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Archive for October, 2000

|| October 28, 2000 || 12:08 pm || Comments (0) ||

I just logged on for a few moments amidst the mass chaos to check my e-mail. Now I am up to my tits in hotmail. For the love of God, please don’t mail me until further notice. Unless you are a chocolate chip. Then you can spam the fuck outta me if you so desire.

|| October 24, 2000 || 8:02 pm || Comments (0) ||

The web be moobin’ slooow here tonite (guess a cow is standing on a cable or somethin’) so I have decided that I shall just type and type until my little handsies drop right off.

Talked to one of me best mates from the glory days of ninth through twelfth. Our high school was situated right across from a laboratory that specialized in concocting wonderful smells to put into packaged commercial foods so that they actually smelled like what it was they were supposed to be (picklier pickles, kool-aidier kool-aid and so on and so forth). All this laboratory talk is neither here nor there, but I decided that it was an interesting tidbit that you were to be blessed with. Thank me with [beerier] beer and [sausagier] sausages at some unforeseen date in the future. mMMmmkay.

So I felt the need to call him up and ask him his thoughts on a certain ’situation’ in my life so that he could make fun of and insult me to the point of pants-wetting embarrassment. Not really…I’d never wet my britches.

All seriousness aside, he is a really great dude. He and his wife just produced an heir, which made me wince at first. His wife is quite lovely and together; I simply did not want her sullying her gene pool with the likes of him.

No now, really. He has quit his extremely ludicrously-large-paying job (as his wife’s is considerably more extremely ludicrously-large-paying….take that, glass ceiling!) to become a stay-at-home dad to his quite lovely and together baby female homo sapien. He just wanted to be able to lounge around in boxers all day (as he did not work at Our Nation’s Capitol, this was severely frowned upon by his employer) and talk trash on the internet (a quite natural extension of his natural personality, I assure you).

Totally unforeseen by him was the fact that said baby would be kicking his ass at N64 before the second week was out.

Stay-at-home dads are wickedly groovy. They are rapidly enlightened, too.

|| October 24, 2000 || 7:27 pm || Comments (0) ||

Quote of the day:

“It doesn’t have to be a Saturday. I can fuck on Tuesday, too.”
—my pal Sherry, 1998 runner-up for Eloquence Queen, regarding a booty call (officially referred to as an “appointment”)

|| October 19, 2000 || 3:51 pm || Comments (0) ||

I just had that fucking hairbrush…where did it go? My hairbrush has been trying to defect as of late. It has been very, very unruly, traipsing all over the house and lying in totally unexpected and unwelcome and unpredictable and unlocatable places. A sort of hide-and-go-seek, if you will.

I have GOT to get a more timid hairbrush, one that stays where it is told and thrives on being at my beck and call. Damnit.

|| October 19, 2000 || 3:41 pm || Comments (0) ||

I don’t always read my e-mailed horoscopes. Oftentimes I simply check them off into Deleteland. I didn’t read them today, but I am almost sure that if I had, they’d have said something like this:

“Communications are at the forefront today. You dwell in the realm of frustration, playing phone tag with God & Everybody from morning till night. Then you spend four hours trying to cover vivid aquamarine-colored walls with pale gray paint.”
Off I go to become a spotty gray mess. Anyone care to help? *sigh*

|| October 19, 2000 || 12:03 pm || Comments (0) ||

For those of you that are not aware of it, I am now informing you of our impending relocation. We’ve found a lovely old large-as-we-
need-and-desire home to while away some days in.

As I previously mentioned, this house is old and required some remodeling (the people who owned the place before had somewhat atrocious taste in the whole color scheme department and we are rectifying this foot by tedious foot), which we have been doing for the past couple of weeks. Ourselves. Perhaps you know the pain and suffering that this entails. Right about now we are down to bare bones and are hustling like hell to complete all required tasks before the 30th. That is our scheduled move date.

I am sufficiently nutso right now. Stay outta my way.

In case you are in a quandary as to what to send as a housewarming gift, I have taken the liberty of perusing red envelope’s latest offerings and have compiled a list to make it much easier for you. Viola! Quandary diminished.

The wish list is as follows:

  • dean & deluca spice rack The spice rack of my DREAMS!! I swear I saw it in a vision one time…
  • bee bath oils + honey bowl Just the nifitiest little bath thingy I have seen in a long time…and honey baths are SUPREME.
  • sultan’s hanging lantern For the den.
  • scented seaglass For the master bath, which is done in horrid aqua tile. I, being the master decorator that I am, am gonna go retro with this one rather than rip it all out and start fresh. Chrome everywhere, for everyone! Screw you, IKEA!
  • riedel tasting glasses Quite beautiful and useful for my daddy’s plum wine.
  • climbing tendril Solves the ugly wine rack and not-too-much counter space dilemmas all in one.
  • calla lily bouquet My favorite flower, by far. Lovely on the sitting room mantel.
  • leonida roses Don’t usually care too much for roses, but these are gorgeous and I can’t help myself.
  • crate of mini seckel pears Mmmmm, nummy!
  • moon lantern Perfect for my office/workshop.
  • silver leaf photo album Lotsa kids, lotsa pictures. Love this album.
  • phalaenopsis orchid Sparse and not too needy, like a good plant should be.
  • shot glass chess set For entertaining all those drunken Russians that we are constantly having over. Makes for a creative nookie session as well.Shop away, my lovelies. My gratitude will be expressed with a gathering in my new abode as soon as the last of the wall art is hung. Beer and sausages will be provided, but you have to bring along your own piece of ass for post-festivity fun.

    If you are low on dough or simply a cheap fuck, fetch me something from ABC. I can work with just about anything. Just call me MacGuyver Stewart. All the skills of Martha, but less haughty/off-putting, way cooler and on steroids.

    || October 18, 2000 || 10:30 am || Comments (0) ||

    I wish that I could say that I am constantly amazed by how little it takes sometimes to set me off and send me spiraling towards the junkie wishing well. However, I am never amazed. I am frustrated and saddened and frightened by it, though. Perhaps that’s just what keeps me from pushing, popping, smoking or snorting anything in the world that I can get my grimy paws on.

    Unclean. Unclean and lusting and remorseful. I feel all of those when the big jones hits.

    You see, I am a two-time ‘user’. The third time is the charm, everybody knows this. That means if I fall offa the wagon the second time, it will be my last. I will never come back. I will be worm food after a time, because I have not enough control to be a lifelong practicing addict like Thom Yorke¬† or Iggy (good ole Iggy) Pop and a host of others too numerous to name. How the fuck do they do it? How do they rein in the bliss and the monkey far enough to stay alive, much less function? Must be something genetic.

    Meanwhile, here I sits, having a fucked-up, rattly jones-day. The screaming in my sinews is palpable and I hope it doesn’t disturb you as you go about your activities. Love to you.