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Archive for October, 2000

 
|| October 17, 2000 || 11:31 pm || Comments (0) ||

From time to time I get one of those e-mail forwards that is worth the click I spent opening it. The following, sent to me by one of my favorite college profs, is a fine example. I laaaaaughed and laaaaughed, d00d.

Subject: chicken

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled by the evil tire makers into believing there is a road. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it-the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “chicken”? Could you define “chicken” please?

GEORGE BUSH
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

 
|| October 14, 2000 || 2:39 pm || Comments (0) ||

I just don’t understand those moms that go to the ballfield looking like they’re ready to take afternoon tea. I am an exuberant mom, so I dress the part. You simply can’t jump and cheer properly in 3-inch heels (we are excluding bedroom sports here, y’all…).

I don’t just cheer for my kid. I learn the names and numbers of all of ‘em. I think that’s my role as a football mom…some of those little people have no encouragement whatsoever. Others have rampant negativity. They are 8 years old, for Christ’s sake…cut some slack there, you overbearing, fat-assed, I-missed-my-chance-so-I-must-live-vicariously-through-my-offspring-and-intimidate-them-into-success parents. SHEESH.

The latter annoys me, but the former does even moreso. Who cares if your slacks get wrinkled or your nails get chipped or your hair gets mussed? Drop that jaw and pull some good old-fashioned enthusiasm from the gut! You can re-apply your lipstick.

Here again, I state the obvious: You can’t re-apply their childhoods.

And, oh yeah,

HOORAY PANTHERS! YOU KIDS ROCK!

 
|| October 12, 2000 || 4:01 pm || Comments (0) ||

My youngest child, all 21 months of him, is learning how to use magic markers. His artwork is done mostly upon himself (thank God…I have to bathe him each evening anyhow…better him than the walls. Wouldn’t you be sorely vexed if you had to wash the walls each evening? Damn, I would). He is extremely smart and talented –and I don’t give my children the benefit of the doubt overmuch– for his young age, so I expect it won’t be long before he thoroughly gets the hang of it.

For now, however, he looks like a palsied, overly-decorated streetwalker. *sigh*

 
|| October 11, 2000 || 10:34 pm || Comments (0) ||

From my fan mail:

“…you don’t update with any sort of regularity? perhaps you have blog constipation?”

Perhaps.

***BTW, I keep spelling ‘orange’ O-R-N-A-G-E tonight. WTF is up with THAT??***

 
|| October 11, 2000 || 10:29 pm || Comments (0) ||

The following quote was ripped from my html goodies newsletter:

Let’s say you were a hacker or a cracker and someone thumbed his or her nose at you. Someone stood up, pointed their finger, and said (performed as Kirk Douglas), “I have created a secure Web site! You have neither the power nor the wherewithal to enter through my firewall protection. I am invincible!”

Tee-hee.

 
|| October 11, 2000 || 12:02 am || Comments (0) ||

“If he’s innocent, then he’s really fucked.”
–Sigourney Weaver as Paulina Escobar in Death and the Maiden

You ever seen “Death and the Maiden”? Based on a play by Ariel Dorfman, it’s quite possibly Roman Polanski’s finest work. Go rent it/buy it/steal it from your local video huckster. Well worth any jailtime you might incur. Sigourney Weaver usually annoys the fuck out of me and I STILL love this film.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?? Go and get it!

 
|| October 10, 2000 || 11:43 pm || Comments (0) ||

Chum’s a great fellow. Go read his story.

I miss you already, Chumster. Hurry the fuck back.