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Jett Superior laid this on you on || September 27, 2002 || 1:09 pm

Dear Dumb Bitch At The Phone Company~

You’ve already been made aware of my service problem; after all, it was you that I wrangled into counting the (fifteen) days sans service (from February to August) up for me.

So I’m not writing in regard to that. Don’t Panic.

I’m not even writing to gently remind you that this is the FOURTH DAY IN A ROW (something tells me that you are out to totally massacre the last six months’ record of 2.5 days out per month) we’re without home phone service.

Actually, we’re doubly out, because we have dial-up InterWeb access and I am unable to update my site, [All blogged up and nowhere to go.] (perhaps you’ve heard of it?), leaving hordes of Cyberian Fans O’ Superior downhearted and directionless.

Believe it or not, I am not even writing to bitch about the fact that the phone worked for the two minutes’-worth of time that it took that sorry bastard Heath to call last night.

I’m writing to inquire about something that I find curious: Every time I phone your (dis)service and (dis)repair department, you people ask me to unplug every phone in the house and then see if the service is operational.

At the risk of sounding blunt, just how in the holy motherfuck am I supposed to tell if service is down with no “units” (how you people manage to make a simple telephone sound like ‘dirty bits’ of anatomy is beyond me, but I swear you do…) plugged into the mothereffing jack? Is there some fancy phone company magic that I am unaware of; some dark hoodoo you’ve been hiding? Or is this another one of your fancy-shmancy “stonewall-and-confound-the-commoners” showboating?

I’m on to you motherfuckers. That’s why I braved the hour-and-a-half holding pattern yesterday to claim my fifteen-dollar credit toward my next bill. That fifteen bux is a-killin’ ya, ain’t it??

Please stop telling me the weather’s bad, because I know this. I know this because every time it so much as sprinkles for twenty-five minutes or more, I lose phone service. God help me that we’re seeing hurricane-related storms; I expect to have my phone restored no earlier than March. And that’s if I continue to pay my monthly bill on time, a practice which I am strongly considering changing my stance on.

Hey, while I have your attention, could you please call the U.S. Postal Service and ask them just why in the fuck it costs twenty bucks to mail a smallish, two-pound box to Canada? You see, due to that whore Isidore, service on the ‘celica foam’ is sporadic at best. From a technology standpoint, I am pretty much fux0r3d.

But I have two sticks, and I’m not afraid to head for the hills and rub ‘em together. In fact, right about now I’m sorta inclined to. I’d sure like for you to respond to my query before I depart, though.

Thanks in advance for the further useless tripe wisdom you shall bestow upon me in short fashion.

Lovingly and not at all sarcastically,
Jett ‘Incommunicado’ Superior

6 worked it out »

  1. The Fancy Llama 9.28.2002

    Yeah… you bastards.

  2. Jett 9.29.2002


  3. Gil 9.29.2002

    The phone company is hell on earth, of this I am convinced. The second coming of Christ? We missed it. The phone company has taken over in the name of Satan, and Sprint is the biggest Beezlebub of all.

  4. Jett 9.29.2002

    Sir Gilbert, they are trying to WRECK me emotionally and mentally, but I shall not let them.

    Ohhhh, I shall NOT.

  5. unxmaal 9.30.2002

    This is an old ISP trick:

    Tell Bellshit that you are having trouble receiving faxes.

    They are required /by law/ to ensure that all phone lines are fax-capable.

    So they’ll definitely come running out to fix your ‘fax’ problem. Obviously, each time you have some trouble, you need to seriously explain that your FAXES don’t get through, and that you’ve already complained to the FCC.

    Just be sure not to let the phone repair person into your house, where s/he can check to see whether or not you actually have a fax machine.

  6. Jett 10.1.2002

    No sweat, I always have some sort of fax software loaded onto my computer…

    There’s a loophole everwheres!

    If all else fails and I keep having difficulties, I can always go back to my Phonelosers life o’ crime. No sweat. It sucks having to pay a phone bill anyhoo.


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