A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || December 16, 2002 || 9:10 pm

Look, I would write a book, but I would prolly name it something totally inappropriate for human consumption and I more than likely would make the title too long (verbosity, thou art my very good fucking friend). So long, in fact, that I would have to put a colon in there somewhere.

Things like:

My Left Labia Is Chafed: Cameltoe And You

come to mind. You people are well aware of my flagrant misuse of the hyphen, so I won’t even broach the subject.

One of the Really Great Things about working as a seasonal stocker at a toy store is re-working the insanely plundered Barbie aisle and jeering at our favorite plasticene-and-rubberized friends: “Kelly is the little sister, RIIIIIIGHT. And I would hazard a guess that good ole Skipper is bastard offspring, as well.” Another is buying ‘certain toys’ at a reasonably low price and selling them to ‘Collectors’ (HA!) at a profit margin in the hundreds percentile. “How did you get one of these?” one lady asked me, “I’ve looked everywhere!” Well, my friend, you haven’t looked in the second-season stores, apparently. And like I’m gonna tell you anyway, so that I’m sacked on profit! Yes, I am a capitalist (shhhhhh!). You caught me, you squirrelly little sleuths, you!

One thing that’s not so great about working at the toy store this year is all the niftaaaay pictures I’m missing because those dolts at Thomson Multimedia can’t get their heads out their arses and get me my spanky new digital camera.* Last week, for instance, when I had finished price-stickering a box of two-foot-high (and quite adorable, I might add) Dopeys. I piled them all in the box willy-nilly, readying them for the sales floor, then eyed them studiously.

“Heh. That’d make a great picture,” I told my pal Kimbo, “Looks like some of my ex-boyfriends decided to get together and hang out.” Kimbo choked on her Zero bar and then fell behind a stack of boxes, laughing. Luckily she flung her box knife far from her before floor impact, so as to not grievously injure herself.

Pictures like that need to make it here, to you, fine lover of literature, with appropriate caption. Don’t you agree? I thought so. Send those fuckpuddles at Thomson hate mail. Hate mail with lots of strong verbiage and impotent outraged threats of boycott.

Apparently I (or my misplaced hip or elbow or something) phoned my high school friend Bob this weekend. I know because he called, quite amused, yesterday to tell me so. At the time I was listening to the stereo and swearing at other drivers. The last part is unconfirmed, but if I was driving at the time a phone connection was made, then it simply had to be so.

Well, the gas station on the corner burned down this weekend. THE gas station, the one that was home to the TeenGirl GasPumper/Jett Is An Asshole incident. I feel really bad. This was a family-owned and -run business. The man and woman that own it are really good, nice people with four kids from seventeen to four (the youngest of their brood and my Mathias are only two weeks apart in age). I heard the clamor of the sirens the other night and just assumed that one of the elderly people on my block were succumbing. That’s not meant to be a morbid statement; it’s a proven that elderly die more during the holidays than at any other time of the year.

When I drove by on Sunday morning to go uncrate some toys I saw the place, all gutted and still smoking, and it alarmed me. The ownerman was slowly circling everything, kinda looking sideways at it all. I was overcome with sadness for him because even though he can rebuild, paperwork takes time and in the interim he is out a steady income. I would like to make a gesture, would like to help, but I’m unsure of what to do.

*can you feel a strongly-worded letter of complaint coming, gentle readers? CAN YOU??

6 worked it out »

  1. Gil 12.16.2002

    Jett – no digital camera? Aiigh! My good friend Kim ahd a similar issue some time ago. She orders one camera, it never comes in… so she finds the same Camera with a Coach Leather carrying case, no shipping costs, and only $50 more and orders it as well. The second one was ordered a week and a half after the first, and both came in on the same day. These companies can be strange sometimes. Best of luck this season… I work nights at a Kroger’ s as a floor supervisor and sometimes late night cashier. Customers can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

  2. April Love 12.17.2002

    Oh how I love a riveting yarn on the woes of retail. It makes me exceedingly happy if you must know. By the way, a book on chaffed labia is a fucking genius idea for a book! :) Good work my little soul sista!

  3. Johnny T 12.17.2002

    Capitalist — You Swine!

  4. brynne 12.18.2002

    hmm. chafed labia and cameltoe… what could I possibly add to that? nothing. so never mind. I didn’t say nuffin.

  5. ChristoCarto 12.18.2002

    Are you fucking kidding me? If I saw a book on chaffed labia on the local bookstore shelf, I would have to count my pennies and buy it immediately! Not only that, but I’m CERTAIN it would be a best-seller!


  6. Jett 12.20.2002

    Johnny…OINK. OINK. OINK.

    I’m determined to become a sellout slob. DETERMINED.


RSS feed for comments on this post.

(you know you want to)