A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || April 29, 2003 || 7:17 pm

“We scammed our way in / Everybody had long hair”

// Propellerheads, “Velvet Pants”

The Propellerheads are rocking my skirt consistently the last few days, because the sounds of ‘Decksanddrumsandrockandroll‘ seem to suit the frenetic, exuberant pace of my life as of late. It’s a very concentrated, swirling mass of good music, driving like a railroad spike into the meat of the matter. ‘Let’s get to it,’ the album says, ‘with no time-wasting.’

I am losing my job.

Nobody panic! I’ve known for some time that this was a possibility. I’ve known for a short time that it is an actuality. In a nutshell, I’m relieved and happy about it. So many times in situations like this, people are devastated, trying to shake their heads clear and look for the proverbial door that we’re told is going to open.

In short, I’ve had all these doors banging open, just waiting for me to wander through, bathing the place in light and promise for some two months now. It’s been remarkably easy and I’m thankful, because I’m having to shore myself up mentally and emotionally for some things that may or may not be happening in the future (that vague enough for ya?). Once again, I feel, my belief that God takes care of those who are earnest in their endeavors is being underscored. And highlighted. With little arrow-shaped sticky notes that say ‘RIGHT HERE!’ pointing to the heart of things.

I’m blessed. I fully acknowledge that. I’m immensely thankful for it.

Starting with the second summer term in July, I’ll be working toward my Bachelor’s in Nursing. If all goes well (I started to say ‘according to plan’, but that is a sure way to screw myself, because plans never unspool as neatly they are supposed to), then two and a half years from now I’ll graduate with my second degree. I derive a great deal of amusement out of the fact that one of them is music-related and one is medicine-related. HA!

Maybe soon after that I can finally get the fuck out of Hellabama, Lord willin’.

In the interim, I have been offered primo employment by some people I was associated with via my current position. It is a mother-slash-student’s dream job….insane amounts of flexibility (in essence I set my own hours) and I can make the same money as I’m making now in one quarter of the time each week. All that, plus it’s contract employment, so the government will be giving me lots and lots of dough-re-mi back at the end of the year. Woo! Woo for me and woo for you and wooowooowoooooo, whole world!

AND, I’ve come to the very concious decision to do all this without regard to donuts (tel and the very astute Angel) or purses (Jane and Angel) or any other descriptive term which blankets some vague-to-the-masses mystery goings-on. I’m doing this with ME in mind, with my ultimate health and sanity and well-being occupying the box labelled ‘These Things Are Paramount’. I’m not being maliciously selfish, I’m growing as a person. That’s the new-age catchphrase this will all be caught up under. I arrived at these conclusions (many which were already firmly seated in my oh-so-stubborn head, but not yet fully cemented) over a couple days’ worth of conversation with Melly, who used words like ‘exceptional’ and ‘phenomenal’ without my having to bribe her. She, as wonderful and wise people are prone to do, told me those things which I already knew but was hesitant to put any voice to aside from the one reverberating in my head and heart. It doesn’t really count, after all, unless you open your mouth and send the words out into the ether. Then –and only then– you’re fully beholden to them.

Today I sat in the financial aid office, trading paper with the woman behind the desk. She was about my age, but very brusque and businesslike. As she turned sideways to enter some information into her computer, I glanced at a xeroxed sheet of paper hanging behind her on the cubicle wall. It contained the phrase, “If it is to be, it is up to me.” and that just rolled over me like a dumptruck.

It’s what my mother used to tell my sister and me after my father bailed and living most every day seemed like a buffet lined with shit sandwiches. There was any kind of shit sandwich you could dream up, but when dealing with shit sandwiches, variety is NOT the spice of life.

Quiet Resolve–my mother had it in spades and sometimes the saying was chirped pleasantly, sometimes forced from behind gritting teeth. “IF IT. IS TO BE. IT IS. UPTOME.” She wanted us to keep this mantra in front of us so badly that she even had a box of multicolored pencils (which, frankly, she could ill afford) printed up so that we could be reminded, right there in sparkling gold leaf embossing, every time we were in need of a pencil. My mother is no dummy; she knew that with Fred’s penchant for drawing and mine for scribbling, that we’d be reminded constantly of those words, a little gold beacon to fix on in an otherwise very dark time.

I kept one of those pencils, unsharpened and new as the day it came out of the box; I have it tucked back in my hope chest somewhere. I’ve considered mounting it and framing it to pass down from generation to generation like a magical family chalice.

Before today, I’ve not seen or heard that quote in (quite literally) years. It sprang forth from that wall, grabbing ahold of my insides and squeezing not unpleasantly. So much so that tears welled up and I was thankful for my low-slung ballcap.

“That quote on your wall there…” I said to Ms. Allbusiness behind the desk, “my mom used to chant it to my sister and I when we were kids and things were really bad.”

Her face grew tender then, and she said, “He gives us what we need. He never forgets us. He knows.

“Yes, He sure does,” I agreed and the tears spilled over then, no longer willing to be hidden. She went in search of a kleenex for me.

I’m padding off to pull my high school pompons and tight letter sweater out of the keepsake chest (maybe I’ll dig for the pencil and admire it while I’m there…), so while I’m away you can think of something good that is occurring in your life right now and tell me about it. When I get back, you’ll get a custom-designed cheer just for you and you alone. I’m all about sharing the enthusiasm, you know.

10 worked it out »

  1. something good.

    ex-girlfriend and i are fostering nice nice platonic relationship. we had a long distance “relationship” a year ago. at first i loved how she was there, even when i wasnt thinking of her. but then i loved how she wasnt there, when i wasnt thinking of her. turns out i broke her heart and learned the definition of a man: having the power to make a girl cry and the control to not. things went rank for a bit, now we are good friends again, at a respectable distance. shes gunna move down here in a year.

    peace and love girl

    Richard D. Bartlett

    {then i will marry her ass.}

  2. Leslie 4.30.2003

    Its funny when I try to think of good things that have happened in my life, nothing really pops up. Even though I know there have been many many good things. But the best I can come up with right now…and probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, despite the ass of a father he has, is my son. When I held my son for the first time I knew that my life had just drastically changed and for the better. I would never feel as content with anything as I did while holding that beautiful little baby in my arms.

  3. scott 4.30.2003

    This reads as if you have all the makings of a shiny new begining. You have my every best wish.

  4. rodney delmer-field 5.1.2003

    good evening ladies and germs …..turn to your neighbor, shake their hand,………. let ‘em know you just came back from a chinese healthcare facility!


    honestly, god never gives us anything more then what will (eventually) kill us.


    seriously, it never ceases to amaze me how even the most intelligent people gravitate toward others that tell them exactly what they want to hear.

    some of these people even have public blogs! Now, don’t forget, blogs are all about self actualization, not some desperate cry for attention.

    oh yea!

    no, no, really i love these blog things, it’s like an AA meeting with a two drink minimum.

    baddap ba!

    And let’s not forget about those who reply to blogs…really, what would a canyon be without an echo?

    hey now,

    who can blame them for falling in lockstep ? Posting anything in opposition to the party line is like showing up to a Stalin era May Day parade with a Trotsky pin…you and your post just quietly disappear in the night.

    whew, tough crowd.

    Now, don’t get me wrong… see, I don’t have a blog, so I CAN be wrong…!

    ok, ok….

    when you think about it….oops sorry, I forgot who’s reading this…


    all right, let’s not forget why we’re all here…growth…I just hope yours is benign!

    a-waka a-waka

    hey, a final point to consider, is just how good looking you really are!! Remember, beauty is only vanity when you mention it to others…

    thanks, you’ve all been great…

  5. Jett 5.1.2003

    Del, that was fucking ugly as all hell.

    I’m sending you cooties. Ones with really big teeth.

  6. Angel 5.1.2003

    Good thing… I finished my script.

    I’m moving to California. I have no complaints. I’m not in love. I wanted to buy dresses… well, I don’t know if that last thing is good, it’s certainly creepy to me…

    I’m glad Delmer understands himself.

  7. Jett 5.1.2003

    Okay, re-reading that once I finished laughing, from maybe another perspective…..and this is what I came up with:

    “Just when the fuck DID you leave the third grade, Delmer Skeets McGee??”

    Here’s a thought: maybe you could take up your issues you have with someone actually WITH that particular someone, rather than coming here to try and ‘bait’ them or ‘draw them out’ by appealing to their sense of fealty. I especially like the way you make it appear as if you are insulting me and me alone.

    See, you leave all these people here with the impression that I slighted you in some way or another. Even if I had, you think a couple of cheap jabs when you were overtired (and prolly steeped in alcohol) at two in the morning are really, REALLY effective in the long run where I’m concerned?

    Come on, maaaan, you know better. You know I’m the one who gets up laughing like a complete fool and spitting out teeth before I come back at you full bore. Let’s not turn this into all of that nonsense, okay?

    I genuinely like you, and that’s why I’m gonna call your bluff on the ONE thing that I take issue with out of all the above: “…who can blame them for falling in lockstep ? Posting anything in opposition to the party line is like showing up to a Stalin era May Day parade with a Trotsky pin…you and your post just quietly disappear in the night.”

    You point me to ONE SINGLE POST, ONE EENSY COMMENT that I’ve EVER fucking deleted, ANYWHERE. You show me where I’ve ever, EVER censored anyone or told them that they were not welcome to publish their opinion here in my forum, dissenting or no.

    Look, I don’t know who’s been wiping your nose all these years, but I’ve got my own and three others to tend to. I don’t have spare kleenex for yours. What I DO have, however, is the ability to be a listening ear –a sounding board, if you will– for you and your troubles should the need arise. The only requirement is that you stop with all the baby talk, clear your voice and speak it like an adult.

    If you want to scream, dis and curse in the process of the adultspeak, that’s okay, because we *all* get frustrated. Baseline, however, should be set at sanity.

    You and I BOTH know that all of this crap was misdirected…

  8. delmer

    you are a fuck

    please come to my site and spout more drivel

  9. Angel 5.2.2003

    Actually delmer… you typed:

    “And let’s not forget about those who reply to blogs…really, what would a canyon be without an echo? ”

    And while I didn’t really laugh at it, since it didn’t really seem funny, I did not think you were attacking Jett or anyone else who is here… you couldn’t be attacking them without attacking yourself, so if you were… attacking (let’s see how many times I can use that word in this post) and it all falls on you, then the “dissatisfactions” you seemed to be expressing were a working out in yourself of the things that you disliked about you. I honestly didn’t know what it was all about and I figured that Jett wouldn’t eventually care and I figured you (hmm, figured…) would be okay eventually so nothing to get worked up about… That’s why I thought you “understood” yourself, because your comments were a little too personal and satirical to be based on anything but personal… Well, that’s what I was thinking anyway.

    PeeEss – How can any good decision be made without doughnuts??? *grin* But that a good decision was made, I’m glad.

  10. Wow. What a most epic read. Someone should publish this ‘Spill’ and then send it to Days of our Lives or summat like that. Most interesting to read from a perspective of not knowing anything about what is happening.


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