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Jett Superior laid this on you on || June 10, 2003 || 2:56 pm

Dear House,

I regret to inform you that your current relationship with the Superior Family will terminate in seven days.

While you are in fact a lovely old house, you have exhibited such codgery behavior as of late and it becomes more and more unpleasant to live betwixt your walls with each month that passes. Case in point: While the Superior Family does, indeed, love the rain, they don’t much care for it inside their domicile. The fact that you open up a hole at random and say ‘SURPRISE!!!’ during each event of inclement weather is not a plus, nor is it a cute little quirk afforded you in light of your advanced age.

Your ornate fireplaces and lovely wide window- and doorfacings do not make up for the fact that each time it rains (what is it with you and rain, huh?) there is the mysterious, evasive odor of somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand dead cats to contend with.

While the aqua-colored tile in the master bath has been greeted with a lively sense of humor, those hideous cave crickets that make their homes in every dark crevice and open drain are nothing to laugh at.

I don’t want to nitpick, so I’ll not run reams of negativity past you; suffice it to say that the new home, while it has not the rambling charm and interesting history that you do, is structurally sound and will fit the bill while Mother Superior is in school. There is a non-leaky bathroom, room for Her computer, cabinet space enough for Her liquor and protein bars, a shady-cool yard to turn the Young Superior Heatherns out into and central heat and air. She feels that she could prolly do much, much worse, lack of crown moulding notwithstanding.

You take care, House, and thanks for the memories.

Jim Shortz, Esq.

::: :: ::: :: :::

Angie, I fully sympathize. While I’ve not had to contend with ooky gunk all over the place (helps, too, that I have my own appliances), I just spent the better part of my day off scrubbing walls. They’re just walls, right? The huge mop bucket full of water and Murphy’s Oil Soap shouldn’t be near-black after wiping down just one-half of a room, correct? And what the fuck is that smell? I swear, it’s like the previous tenants corralled thirty African Pygmy monkeys and had them rub their naughty bits on the bare floor and then laid carpeting over the top: “AhhhHAHAHA, screw you, new people!” (retch)

Yay for podunkville. For once I’d like to move into a place that didn’t require extensive cleaning/renovation before I dare place my children and belongings into it. We worked on the place we’re in now for a solid twelve days before it was habitable. This, my dearest readers, makes me want to use the Lord’s name in vain. Over and over and over.

Don’t you fuckers dare chirp, “Good luck with your mooo-ooove!” Bring your asses on over this weekend and help lift Heavy Things. I’ll buy you beer and pizza and make goo-goo eyes at you.

Otherwise, shut up. SHUUUT UUUUP!

7 worked it out »

  1. Keith 6.10.2003

    Then… then I hope you drop Heavy Things on your toes! Over and over and over! Yeah!

    I’m too far away to come over and help, and I couldn’t say good luck. :) Have fun, nonetheless, and think about me while you’re panting and sweating. Ooh, that’s sexy.

  2. Anonymous 6.10.2003

    Good luck with your moooooove!

  3. The Fancy Llama 6.10.2003

    Aww… look at the person who hasn’t the balls to leave their name with their wishes of good luck. They know.

    Anyway, here’s the thing. If I had the money, I would make the time (regardless of what other plans I had) to get my ass out there. Unfortunately, I do not, and me thinkest that the Llamamobile wouldn’t make it there and back without a few proper wrench turnings.

    I am sorry. And not just sorry in the “apologizing that I can’t help” way, but also in the selfish way. I am sorry that I can’t have the pizza. I am even sorrier that I can’t have the beer. And I am sorriest, to an extent that you hold unfathomable, that I shan’t be the blushing recipient of Superior-Style goo-goo eyes.

    ::sigh:: Such is the life of a lowly llama.

  4. Jett 6.10.2003

    Dear Llama,

    You are the pinnacle of dromedaries. So sayeth the JettGrrrl!

    Love and Rockets,

    The aforementioned Jett Person

    pee ess….KEITH! A LIKELY STORY!

    peepee ess (or pee essess, whatever)….anonymous, shanonymous. Don’t think I don’t see you there in your boxer shorts with your big bowl of cheetos and your silly grin! Do not underestimate the POWers!

  5. delmer 6.11.2003

    I’d help you move, but with a little luck, I’ll be dead soon.

    (humming “The Gunners Dream”

  6. waistdog 6.12.2003

    You KNOW I’d help.

    If I was just a bit closer.

    You know I was there too, from all the cow stickers.

  7. Jettomatika 6.12.2003

    Yes, the red shirt(s) would not make you visible at ALL.


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