A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || July 1, 2003 || 6:07 pm

It always just sort of amazes me how, when I really need it, and most especially when they’ve no idea what’s going on in my heart and my head, people gift my spirit.

Keith sent the picture to me several days ago, and he expected it to arrive sooner, was impatient for it to arrive sooner….but I needed it today, so very much. I pulled it out of the cardboard sleeve and sighed. I took a long selfish block of time just staring at that photo, a very appropriate song playing on Scout’s stereo in the background, thinking about how it hit me at my very core the minute I first saw it, how I felt that picture down in the very center of me, how I heard the rustlings of it speaking to me in my ear. When he asked me, out of the blue, to name it, the title sprang forward with no effort whatsoever: Remembering Daylight.

When I told Keith a couple days later that I felt like the photo was symbolic of me where I am right now in my life, the lone stalk standing off from the others, pointed in an entirely different direction, bent but raising its head toward the light that it once knew but had maybe forgotten for a bit, he said, “I think, somehow, I knew I was taking that photo for you even though I didn’t really realize it at the time.”

Yeah, because things work that way. Kismet.

Then today, there were words, and they were like an echo of memory for me, and while I don’t know that they were penned for me per se, I think that maybe they were. Like a batter that sees the desperate fan and doesn’t bother to point, but instead hits that ball, arcing cleanly and pure, straight into that fan’s waiting grasp. ‘This one is yours‘ is what is said without one word or overt gesture, but magically the ball sits there cradled in a waiting embrace.

And then, with no warning or enticement whatsoever, the irreverent side of the house chimes in with this via e-mail. How I love to laugh; most of you people will never know how much I actually do so.

I found out at the beginning of the week how much my unemployment check is going to be. When I sat and did some calculations I saw, much to my dismay, that it would cover my weekly childcare and about twenty bucks for gas and that’s about it. While I’ve been awarded a grant for school, it will just barely stretch over the costs of tuition and maybe books. I hadn’t wanted to go the route of student loans…I didn’t have to the last time I went to school, what with scholarships and grants and working.

“Okay,” I told myself, “this nursing degree is just gonna be more costly on the front end, is all, and you gotta do what you gotta do…” So I phoned the school, and the woman in the financial aid office quickly informed me that they didn’t participate in student loan programs.

What? I thought that every accredited college did, but apparently I was wrong. See, I’m missing a couple chemistrys and biologys, etc., so I elected to enroll in a community college to knock those out, trying to save some money that I don’t have for tuition, before transferring to the 4-year school that I’ll be taking my two years’-worth of nursing courses at next year. So I’m sort of in a ‘damned if I do, fucked if I don’t’ position. A couple thousand dollars feels like two million when you just don’t have it. If I work anything close to the hours that I really need to work, it will most assuredly affect my grades in a negative fashion. I really need to have immaculate –and I mean pristine– grades this next year, in order to guarantee my admittance into the BSN program.

See, it’s really funny how there are these advertisements espousing the gross shortages of nurses, but they have limitations at all the schools as to how many candidates they can accept per semester. The nursing advisor told me that they have literally had to resort to tenths and hundreths grade-point wise to see who makes the cutoff. Eighty applicants with four-point-ohs? Forty slots. A hundredth of a point could make or break my application. What are your options when even perfection may not be enough??

How in the world will I be able to carry a sixteen-hour load, work and be a quality mother to my children? Lots of sighing. Lots of hoping and thinking and wondering. Lots of trying not to get mowed under the wheels of depression. Becoming Mopey Maddie won’t solve my problems, although it would be an easy thing to be.

I know like I know I have two arms and two legs that this is merely a test to see how badly I want to improve my lot in life, how badly I want to make good things happen for myself and my children. I know this, because I am pragmatic and I am an optimistic realist. I’m determined to overcome and to make things happen for myself. But still, I’m frustrated as all fuck and just don’t see any answers being unveiled no matter how creatively I bend my brain to do so.

::: :: ::: :: :::

All day staring at the ceiling / Making friends with shadows on my wall / All night hearing voices telling me / That I should get some sleep / Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on / Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown / And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell / I know right now you can’t tell / But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see / A different side of me / I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired / I know right now you don’t care / But soon enough you’re gonna think of me / And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public / Dodging glances on the train / And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me / I can hear them whisper / And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me / Out of all the hours thinking / Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell / I know right now you can’t tell / But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see / A different side of me / I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired / I know right now you don’t care / But soon enough you’re gonna think of me / And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep / Pretty soon they’ll come to get me / Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell / I know right now you can’t tell / But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see / A different side of me / I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired / I know right now you don’t care / But soon enough you’re gonna think of me / And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be / How I used to be / Well, I’m just a little unwell / How I used to be / How I used to be / I’m just a little unwell

// Matchbox Twenty, “Unwell”

Won’t you sponsor me?

7 worked it out »

  1. fucko 7.1.2003

    ahh, quitcher moanin’.

    *points at chin*

    but seriously…nobody said blood wouldn’t need to be shed in order for you to achieve your dreams.

    everything works if you let it.

  2. Jettomatika 7.1.2003

    You know what I know and I know that you know what I know and I know that you know the same things.

    Still, sometimes, it seems so daunting and far-away. All of it, if you know what I mean.

    One-stepping, m’friend.

  3. Angel 7.1.2003

    When I first saw the flower picture, It was in amber. I went to vote for the bay picture and when I went back to the original flower page, it was in colour. it was almost magical. And a nice surprise for me. Then I realized that my mouse was on it and when you take it off, it’s amber again. And I was fascinated by that for at least 3 minutes. I have to thank you for that.

  4. Jettomatika 7.1.2003

    Yeah, the sepia-toned one is the one that does it for me. The colorful one just isn’t as powerful, somehow.

    I want it to look just perfect, so I am saving up my nickels for just the right moulding to frame it in.

  5. sara 7.2.2003

    “And so many think because then happened, now isn’t. But didn’t I mention? the ongoing *WOW* is happening right now. We are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance, for even our inabilities are having a roast. We are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic Dostoevsky novel starring clowns. This entire thing we’re involved with called the world is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others’ presence. The world is an exam, to see if we can rise into the direct experiences. Our eyesight is here as a test, to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity. Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality.”

    This is from the movie “Waking Life”

    Don’t know if you’ve seen it or not, but your struggle reminded me of what Speed Levitch said in the movie…so then I had to track down the exact quote…and viola! There you go. More quotes from the whole movie HERE

  6. fish 7.2.2003

    Oh Jettster!

    That’s a bad rub… but synchronicity can sometimes be taken as a message to good effect.

    I have no doubt you’ll find an open path to move forward on.

    Coincindentally, i just came from interviewing two delightful chairopractors who gave me a crash course in wholistic medicine. Some of what they said might interest you …

  7. Kate S. 7.2.2003

    Is there a way — maybe– that you could somehow wrangle the daycare expenses in by trading off babysitting with other student moms, posting a note on the b.b.? Or maybe the school has daycare. Cheap. (I’ll keep thinking on it.)

    Oh, and: same situation with teachers/shortage/funds. Terrible economy. Thanks, Bushleaque. Ur my heeeero.


RSS feed for comments on this post.

(you know you want to)