A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || December 18, 2003 || 12:35 am

I was all ramped up and ready to go. Really.

Then I saw the main-page pandering and I was suddenly Quite Fucking Ill (well, that coupled with fucking hundred-dollar tee shirt and two-hundred dollar action figure auctions) and in no mood to blog.

Background: Today I took a thirty-dollar tricycle that I bought a couple of weeks ago to a woman whose child will have only that on Christmas morning. She blubbered like a baby. I left thinking that even if it takes me pawning some of my shit, I’ll be taking her a few more things before I leave for momma and daddy’s house on Sunday.

Two-hundred dollars for a five-inch hunk of jointed plasticene. OBscene.

So now, I’m in the perfect mood to bring you the following, the link to which was found over at batty’s place:

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus – better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means “little boots”. Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself – in much the same vein as your father-in-law – accusing him of being his wife’s pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like “This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,”; dallied with your sister’s lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.

In other, more pleasant news, I bought the first round of ’stuff’ for Trout today: a stocking, an assload of sweets and trinkets to put in it (including a warm, reversible ‘boggan –wooo, sharp– and a huge bottle of lotion, as he told me when he was overnighting with us last weekend that his skin was ‘ashy’, making me laugh so hard that I had to catch my breath), a small stereo, a couple ceedees, the rest of the volumes of Lemony Snicket books to complete the set (someone sent three of them today), a bottle of ‘nice’ cologne. Next on the agenda: a watch (lady at Fossil is cutting me a deal), a Gameboy Advance, a couple board games and some puzzles (kid loves puzzles, especially of a complex nature). Scout, Sam and I will pick him up on Friday afternoon and go shopping for tennyshoos and clothing.

DAMN, you people ROCK, with an unrivalled viciousness, for your two dollars, your twenty dollars, your good wishes for the boy. Beer and sausages for everyone!

Tomorrow promises to be busy: My golden statue will be wearing baggy sweats, an unruly ponytail and sporting a strange, patchy combination of cookie flour and acrylic paint on its nose. I’ma learn the damn thing to multitask even if it kills me. Not that it’d matter if it did, as history shows.

3 worked it out »

  1. MaC 12.18.2003

    Glad to hear the kid is gonna make out good this christmas, it makes me feel good.

    And, Malcolm Mcdowell (better known as Alex De Large from A clockwork Orange) rocked the house!

  2. Jamie 12.18.2003

    You are Ludwig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!

  3. sean 12.18.2003

    Wha??? Such green for the ex Toaster Punk. I thought everyone hated Whiny Will Wheaton. Go figure.


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