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Jett Superior laid this on you on || January 5, 2004 || 11:13 am

Stick with me, kid; I’ll learn ya.

[ed. note: This plan can only be executed flawlessly if you do indeed wear corrective lenses; if you don't, and try to fake off some Officer Ub Da Law and are subsequently beaten, arrested and imprisoned for Faking Off An Officer Ub Da Law, well...you're on your own, kid. And don't say the editor didn't warn you. Thanks.]

Being blind has its advantages.

Say for instance that Johnny Law is bearing down on you hardcore with his blue lights rotatin’ and his sy-reen a-screamin’. Have your driver’s license ready, whip out a contact lens and say brightly when he gets to your rolled-down window, “Whatever I did, officer, I’m sorry. My contact fell out and I’se rasslin’ with it.”

He will then most likely take your license, advise you to roll up your window so that your pretty coat won’t get rained on (assuming, of course, you even have a pretty coat and that it is in fact raining) and go run a check on your license, which has been free and clear of any (known) speeding and just General Bad Behavior Issues for nigh on three years now.

Then he will return to your window, hand you your license back, and bid you a good day fondly.

As you might imagine, this really and truly happened to me just this morning and I am gifting you with this knowledge because I care about your welfare and well-being and ability to not just survive in this world of ours, but to overcome and soar over petty obstacles like traffic citations and, for that matter, pleece officers.

Okay, so I finally went to see ‘Return/King’ (I’m not linking it. If you people don’t know what the fuck of which I speak, then so be it; either you’re a fan or you ain’t) last night. If you are a regular reader, then you know that the Stone Princess typically only cries at movies, not bothering to waste her tears on anyone that isn’t made up or represented in celluloid (in other words, the truly deserving). Well, of course I would cry at that particular movie, e’en though I’ve read the books fifty-elebem times and know exactly what is going to happen to whom and pretty much when. [ed. note: I will be so farging amaaaaazed if Billy Boyd doesn't scoop up an Oscar for this one. For real.]

Welp. I cried, and a fair amount, too (but only at appropriate moments…let’s just get that straight). And what happens when I cry?

I get protein deposits on my two-week-but-I-really-wear-them-for-five-in-some-insane-attempt-at-thrift disposable lenses, rendering them useless. They have a tendency to be on the dry side, as well. When your contacts acquire protein deposits and/or dryness, they are uncomfortable, inciting all manner of rubbing and blinking. This, in turn, causes them to re-seat themselves in pesky places like, oh I dunno, behind your eyeball or crunched up in the corner of your eye. Neither option is optimal for either vision or comfort, I assure you.

So, being the hopeful sort that I am, I didn’t remove my contacts after the movie last night. I quite naively assumed that Everything Will Be Okay. On my way back from the bank this morning, I apparently blinked all wrong (oh yessss, my lovelies, there is such a thing as ‘blinking all wrong’, even though it should be against all laws of nature to screw up something so fucking easy and autonomic as a fucking blink, for shitsakes) and one of my lenses –my left, to be exact, and quite coincidentally the eye that I’m legally blind in sans correction– decided to curl up and take a nap. I drove with it this way for a few blocks before my brain declared “Oh, HELL no.” at the discomfort of having a wad of plastic gobbed up in the far corner of mine eye and at the notion of having to travel another half-mile without matching stereo vision.

Sometimes it’s difficult to be me, no matter how easy I make it look.

So, I’m puttering along, trying to re-seat the errant lens across my cornea when that fucker popped right on out and into my (always-eager and) waiting lap. I scooped it up and went to fiddling with it, conveniently dismissing (code for not noticing) a stop sign and the peace officer idling just to the right of it.

That’s when I found out that wearing contacts and having one of them make a bold attempt at fleeing your eyeball is a solid escape from a moving-violations ticket. You’re welcome.

pee ess….moody’s gonna have a baby, and I’m betting on today, y’all. Late today, but today nonetheless.

9 worked it out »

  1. Lili 1.5.2004

    So glad to hear that I am not the only contact tightwad – I uhh push my 2 weekers to 2 monthers… I have also blinked all wrong and had a contact go behind my eyeball. The only way to dislodge it (the contact not the eyeball) was to stand on my head for 3 minutes….oddly enough, it worked!

  2. well i don’t have stereo vision at the best of times.

    mum says I am cool

  3. gjoe 1.5.2004

    I have been wearing the same pair of contacts for over 7 months now. They were set to expire 22 weeks ago.

    And I still see well enough to read street signs just after I passed them.

    True story.

  4. Wendolene 1.5.2004

    I would LOVE to see Billy Boyd win an oscar. I tried to convince Joe that we should name one of our kids Peregrin Took Mitchell. He didn’t go for it.

  5. Bakelite Lung 1.5.2004

    Hey, hey! I have some Actual Useful Information to impart on this subject!

    A few months ago it seems I was movin’ on down the road in a somewhat more hasty fashion than was intended by the designers of said road. Officer Friendly took time out from his difficult schedule to call it to my attention and I, ignorant of the Great Contact Lens Dodge (since it had not yet been perpetrated), was given a little piece of pink paper to commemorate the event.

    Making a short story long, I subsequently attended Traffic School. Among many things, the instructor (a retired traffic copper) taught us How to Avoid Getting a Ticket.

    Rulo Uno was, nacherly, to Obey the Law. And there were several rules I forgot, but one important one was that if you were stopped you should try to politely talk Officer Friendly out of giving you the ticket!

    Myself I could never attempt this because I am a real rule follower and I kinda figger when I do get caught it’s payback for all those times I was naughty and DINT get caught. But what the fella told us was that you should just act real nice and then ask if the officer could see his way clear to letting you off with a warning. You hafta ask *before* he starts writin’, though, because once they start writin’ the ticket the die is cast or whatever.

    That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

  6. Jettomatika 1.5.2004

    Bakey! I wondered if you were still readin’. I’d like for you to e-mail me, please.

    Pretty, PRETTY please.

  7. Dean 1.6.2004

    Yep, I’m a contact scrooge too.

    But somehow I don’t think a cop would let me off with that excuse. Are you SURE it had nothing to do with you batting your eyelashes?

  8. Unxmaal 1.11.2004

    I had the same eyeball problems for years, until a Wal-Mart eyedoctor cussed me for using off-brand all-in-one contact lens stuff.

    Now I soley use that Aosept 2-step stuff, the kind with the peroxide disinfectant and the little metal disk/basket thing, and real Aosept saline solution. I’ve had no problems with protein deposits since.

    The only problems I’ve had came from confusing the peroxide with the saline. Big mega OUCH. If you do this enough, you’ll get really OCD about which bottle you pick up.

  9. Jettomatika 1.11.2004

    Yes, but….you now have the cleanest eyeballs in town. Isn’t that worth SOMEthing?


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