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Jett Superior laid this on you on || July 24, 2004 || 11:24 pm

Tips on parenting (you’re welcome)

When confronted with the awkward situation of having a child ask what your beverage is* before they are of an age to explain ‘responsible drinking’ to comprehensibly, you should maybe learn to flex and be ‘creative’ with the truth.

That’s right, I’m asking you to employ critical thinking skills here. For example:

~ Wine magically transforms to *zzzzzing! (that was the sound of a magic wand, thanks)
Grown-up Grape Juice

~ You in possession of a mugarita (what we call a margarita around these parts, because a margarita glass doesn’t hold near as much magical agave kool-aid as a frosty, friendly mug does) becomes you holding fiercely on to some

Grown-up Lemonade

….and so on and so forth. You folks get the picture.

I’d like to personally thank my cousin Drop (as in ‘good to the last, then lick the outside of the glass’, but lately more like, ‘catch me, I’m about ta’) for being so polluted at the family gathering recently, thereby necessitating a session of the really fun game known as Rename The Inexplicable No-No Liquid Quickly-Quickly-QUICKLY between me and Maxim. Can’t drink keep a good man down, Drop ole sport.

*Note: also applies to ‘can I have a sip of that, mommy?’ and any and all other potentially sticky queries.

13 worked it out »

  1. slight of hans 7.26.2004

    and here I was planning on using michael jacksons term for wine: “jesus juice”

    what’s your thoughts on calling birth control pills “mommys special pez”?

     
  2. Jettomatika 7.26.2004

    You know, in the right moment, several things are admissable as ’sliding-scale facts’.

    I have no objections to ‘mommy’s special pez’ on a wholesale level, but to those adventurous kiddies labelling it just plain ole xXPOISION!Xx seems to work.

    In this, too, I speak from experience.

     
  3. back hans 7.28.2004

    since we are on the subject of chil-run (said with complete joycelyn elders drawl) I know your kids are pretty bright; as they are your spawn, I can only imagine they are also warped and sarchastic. so have any of the little darlings taken to calling you “mother superior” yet?

     
  4. Mish 7.28.2004

    I need some grown up cigarettes.

     
  5. Jettomatika 7.29.2004

    HAHAHA: @misha.

     
  6. Jettomatika 7.29.2004

    Hansy: having not yet been exposed to Catholic ritual, that one’s a bit over their heads yet.

    Give it time.

     
  7. folded hans 7.29.2004

    careful! you might raise those kids without them developing a underlying emotional state of fear, shame and guilt!

     
  8. evil hans 7.30.2004

    and since we are on the subject of muffin spawn…time to pack up and move the kids to a new school district:

    Teacher: Mathias, where is your ibook??

    Mathias: mom’s blogging on it…again.

     
  9. Jettomatika 7.31.2004

    Notice the snooty, two-word names for these communities:

    ~CAHABA HEIGHTS

    ~VESTAVIA HILLS

    Even though I am white trash with aspirations, I am still white trash. Thus, colored pens and dry-erase boards will have to continue wowing the Superior Children.

    pee ess….can you blog on a dry-erase board?

     
  10. monkey hans 8.1.2004

    dry erase board…

    sure why not? cave and wall art werethe first blogs, so why not dry erase boards? plus, it makes revisionism so easy “even a child could do it”!

    cahaba heights, shmahaba heights…

    perhaps you could start your own school district: “cabala heights” think of the possibilities!!!

     
  11. Jettomatika 8.3.2004

    I’m presently drafting up a planned community, a la ‘Over The Edge‘….

    She shall be dubbed Low-Rent Vista.

     
  12. one hans washes the other 8.4.2004

    wow, never seen the movie, but looking at imdb I grew up at the snooty version of  

  13. tired hans 8.4.2004

    screw it. i hate trackpads.

     

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