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Jett Superior laid this on you on || September 21, 2004 || 7:40 pm

The Meeting

~ I wrote this a long, long time ago, in a burst of inspiration. Read into it what you will, but know that you’re probably wrong ~

This will be one of those things that I write wondering going in if I will ever send it. I’ve decided to definitely wait until we can discuss it real time before I spring it on you (I know you’re not good with e-mails). Regardless, I hope that if you ever do receive it, you’ll understand that I’m telling you these things, not to burden you or freak you out, but because there’s really no one else that I can tell them to. As you’ve reminded me sooo many times, people feel this need to tell you stuff (I just wonder how often it so directly pertains to you). Plus, we think so much alike, I hope that maybe you’ll get some insight from hearing what makes me tick. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny and doesn’t rhyme…..it probably sounds cold and detached…..please realize that I’m discussing real emotions and feelings here, despite the lack of flowery language. God, this intro is way too long. Tough.

You sounded genuinely puzzled yesterday when I balked at the thought of meeting you. Once again, I figured it would be obvious to you why I’m hesitant….maybe it is obvious, but, like me, you want to hear what the other person is thinking, and verify that your assumption is correct. I couldn’t put it into words yesterday, and even if I could I’m not sure I would’ve told you the truth right away….even the most brutally honest relationships have little secrets, little white lies, and since we had only become as close as we have over the last week (only a week!), who knows how much truth this friendship can handle. I’m not in a rush to find the breaking point.

For as long as I’ve been using this medium to socialize and interact with people, I’ve also used it as a way to keep them at arm’s length. Some relationships ran deeper than others, some burned hot and fast, but I had my set of rules that kept me safe from getting too close, too involved. The “real me” was kept hidden away, and feelings were something limited to the physical realm, never the emotional one. All that has changed now, my rules have all been broken, my armor is gone……I have never gotten as close to someone (or let someone get as close to me), not on here. And not very often in real life either….you have joined a very small group. And my emotions have been released from their cage, running rampant, and making me feel alive – for the first time in a very long time. You told me how you never get angry and hate to cry….I think we both pride ourselves on staying composed and in control….but I wonder if we aren’t missing out on something too?

I know that you wonder where the line is, that point of no return that forever changes a relationship, and friends become lovers and can never again be friends. Well for me, crossing that line requires actually meeting, actually touching, it can never be crossed in the virtual world. That is how I’m able to tell you with confidence that nothing that we do or say online will change our friendship as far as I’m concerned. It’s also why the thought of being in the same room with you is so scary….at that point you become completely “real”, no Internet or phone lines keeping us apart. Maybe the line is somewhere else for other people, I can’t say.

So what if we did meet, you and I, in some crowded restaurant, or smoky lounge, or secluded hideaway? What then? I’m sure we’d enjoy each other’s company and laugh a lot. I’m also sure that my mind would race with thoughts of holding you, pleasing you, having you. And in my mind, the meeting could really only have two possible conclusions – either we’d sleep together, or we wouldn’t, neither of which would be good for me, or for us, in my opinion. If we didn’t, you would probably leave thinking how much fun it was, and how much closer we’d become, while for the rest of my life, I’d be kicking myself for passing up a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with a beautiful, smart, sexy woman. Sadly, this is the best option of the two.

How in the world can sex be a bad thing? Especially with the girl of your dreams, sex that is pretty much guaranteed to be out of this world?? Well, suppose you decided to have your way with me, whether out of pity, or intoxication, or weakness, or desire….the “why” really doesn’t matter here. Hopefully you’d enjoy it, hopefully it would be everything I think it could be, once again you might leave thinking how much fun it was, and how much closer we’d become. We’re both familiar with “just having sex”, meeting someone just to play, and enjoy each other, we’ve both contemplated it with other people. But I’m not sure I could “just have sex” with you, in fact I doubt that I could, and you are the only person that I’ve ever been able to say that about. Could I handle it? What if I couldn’t – would I throw away everything I have and pursue you, regardless of whether you wanted me to or not? Or would I choke it down and put on my brave face and go to my grave wondering if I had done the right thing, or if I had walked away from something truly special…

So, now that I’ve blown whatever miniscule chance I had of ever getting you in the sack, you may ask “what the hell’s your point here?” I’m getting to that, hopefully you’re still with me. These feelings have been here for a while, the only thing that this week changed is that I’m able to tell you about them and feel like maybe you’ll understand. And these feelings would be here no matter what you had said or done, they’re completely my creation. So as you continue your quest for “why”, maybe you’re looking in the wrong place. Take a look inside, maybe some of the answers are there.

Love, Skillzy

6 worked it out »

  1. Hey babe

    Sorta renounced the internet an’ all so I haven’t exactly been reading your hoo-ha an’ all but I thought I’d get all old-timey on you and stretch the metaphor of the online community and drop by and share a cuppa and some cornbread with you up there in the Bam and so forth an’ it seems you’ve beat me to the community love-in vibe

    so love and peace baby

     
  2. Nina 9.21.2004

    You could have so taken that right out of my head. Thanks for taking Jett’s place in doing that. Was wondering who was gonna do it while she was gone.

     
  3. Nina 9.21.2004

    Heh heh I said do it while she was gone.

     
  4. skillzy 9.22.2004

    u wanna?

     
  5. red clay 9.22.2004

    and this is what i’ve been thinking about.

    i have always avoided meeting people out there in eelectricity land. but i finalably done it, and it was so amazing, i’m thinking.

    what else have i been missing?

    if some of the people out there, asking so nice, are half as wonderful…

     
  6. Nina 9.22.2004

    hayull yeah!

     

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