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Jett Superior laid this on you on || September 18, 2004 || 2:43 pm

Chellee’s Guide to Common Sense for Men

I’m guest poster Chellee. I’m an art teacher in Texas, and I have a blog over at blogspot called Telling Deeds. Go check it out. Now for the learnin’.

A few days ago a fellow teacher told me about something that her husband had said to her. She’s trying to grow her hair after it being short for a while. According to her, he looked at her and said something like, “What’s up with your hair?”

You might think that common sense, or being married for several years might have forestalled such a bonehead comment. You’d be so wrong. I hold the opinion that common sense is in reality not quite so common. Common sense must be taught. So, Wonderful On-Loan-Muffinasses, here is

Chellee’s Guide to Common Sense for Men.

Your significant other will frequently ask you questions. How you answer those questions can be the difference between some hot lovin’ and whether or not you sleep on the couch. Honestly, some of the questions we women ask are stupid, but we still do it for reasons I won’t go into in depth here. Abbreviated, it’s mostly because we and everyone else on the planet values us for our appearance. Following are some of those doofus questions and your correct responses. I’ve done all the thinking for you!

First question:

Does this make me look fat?

The answer to this is always “No.” Whether she’s gained weight and looks like a beached whale, or is nine months pregnant, always say “No.” If you need a follow-up, say, “I like your shape.”

Second question:

How do I look in this color/top/outfit?

The answer here is not “good” or “fine.” Don’t get caught in the mediocre response trap. Say instead something like, “That’s pretty sexy,” or “I really like you in [such and such outfit].

Third question:

Is that girl pretty?

This one is tough. You could be honest and say “Yes,” because she probably already knows you think the girl is pretty. However, if you take that bait, the next question will be, “Is she prettier than me?” and you don’t want to have to dodge that bullet. Say instead “I don’t find her that attractive.”
If you do answer that yes that girl is pretty, and she does hit you with the prettier than me, say, “No, I think that you have that girl next door quality which is much more attractive.”

Fourth question:

What are you thinking?

This one is a killer. Telling your girl what you are really thinking will either motivate disgust for sexual perversion or distaste for banality. I know what you’re thinking, but your girl needs a good lie. So for this one say, “I was just thinking how comfortable I am around you.” Let’s be honest. If guys were to ask questions like this, the response would be super easy. Men would want to hear women say, “Throw me down on the couch and give me a good, deep dicking.” Since a man will never, ever ask that question, that will never happen.

Fifth question:

Where is our relationship going?

Wow. I can’t believe women really say this. Okay, this one is a challenge. Here goes. Say, “I really like you and I like where we are right now. Let’s just see where things go.” Now, some women will hate this answer. If she is a bit more controlling and needs a definite answer tell her, “Well, right now we have this great boyfriend/girlfriend thing going. I really enjoy being with you. Let’s give it a bit more time and then maybe we can talk about moving in together.” Now if you don’t intend to keep drinking from this trough, don’t say the second one, that’s just cruel.

Sixth question:

What did you like about me the first time we met?

Under no circumstances say, “You have a great rack.” If she has a high tolerance for bullshit, tell her that it was her ability to light up the room. Make up something nice about her eyes if she has a pretty good bs meter.

Last and most important question:

Do you know what today is?

Chances are if you’ve ever had even a short term girlfriend you’ve been burned by this one. Here is the perfect answer to keep you from being either divorced or hit or cried, “Of course I do, and the card that I bought you is in my desk.” Then you go to your desk, look at the calendar on which you’ve written the important dates, and pull out the appropriate card from the stack that you keep in a drawer for just such an occasion.

See, not so hard is it? Go forth, and use the knowledge you have gained from your Chellee only for good.

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