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Jett Superior laid this on you on || September 5, 2004 || 1:27 pm

For To Whack Him About The Head

It’s been hella, hella ages since I posted any fan mail for your amusement and delight (because we all know that if it amuses and delights me, it must CERTAINLY amuse and delight you, yes?). In the fine tradition of My Jacky and Gary T. and the Now World-Famoustm Anonymous Fan-Mailer, a fella by the name of Cute Rick has strolled up outta the digital darkness and opened up a discourse.

God helps the brave souls. Or watches out for fools and little children.

On with the mail!

From : Cute Rick

Sent : Saturday, August 28, 2004 2:33 PM

To : amazingjettgrrrl@hotmail.com

Subject : Your website is awesome

…but I am sure you have heard it all before.

Of course this somewhat smarmy opening merited a reply.

From: amazingjettgrrrl@hotmail.com

To: Cute Rick

Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2004 5:19 PM

Subject: RE: Your website is awesome

DEAR CUTE RICK!

I should be laughing like hell at your nick. Instead, I find it strangely endearing. Way to go!

Thank you for your e-mail. If you would like me to send you a list of things that I HAVEN’T heard before, I could certainly arrange that.

Now tell me, dearest CUTE RICK, a little something about you. Preferably things I can use against you in the event that you betray me somehow.

Love and Rockets,

Jett

pee ess…..thanks for readin’!

Simple enough, right? Well, here’s where it all grows fuzzy and an eensy bit complicated; it seems Cute Rick is out farming the internet for marriage-worthy material.

From : Cute Rick

Sent : Thursday, September 2, 2004 5:22 PM

To : amazingjettgrrrl@hotmail.com

Subject : Re: Your website is awesome

I would never betray you – I hardly even know you.

Hey, you sound perfect for my brother – will you please marry him? He lives
in Savannah, GA and rubs people’s backs for a living (he should be stroking
their egos – you can get a lot farther in life that way). Please forgive my
over-use of hyphenation.

Cute Rick

No better place to look, right? But (my own happy marriage notwithstanding) I needed clarification before I could commit to anything long-term. Witness:

From: amazingjettgrrrl@hotmail.com

To: Cute Rick

Sent: Friday, September 03, 2004 11:56 PM

Subject: Re: Your website is awesome

CR,

Think nothing of it. I heartily abuse commas.

~Jett

pee ess…perfect, as in how? Like, perfect as in ‘I think you could whip that loser into shape’ or perfect as in ‘You would fully cause him to question his manhood, therefore placing his overblown ego in check’ or perfect as in ‘He likes him some feisty woman, heh-heh’? Specificity is a wonderful thing in certain instances.

This being one of them. Bang on!

Rick was fairly quick with an answer.

From : Cute Rick

Sent : Saturday, September 4, 2004 3:12 PM

To : amazingjettgrrrl@hotmail.com

Subject : Re: Your website is awesome

Perfect, as in, he is a whiny-ass with no balls and a perpetual look on his
face as if someone has smeared shit underneath his nose and you can smack
him upside the head and say, “Get over yourself.”. But what is in it for
you??? Hmmmm. I will have to think about that one and get back to you.

Rick

To Rick I say, “I’m waiting here with bated breath. A la Maggie Gyllenhall in Secretary, I will not leave my chair nor remove my hands from mine keyboard until I hear back from you. Even if it is a holiday weekend. Even if I do get a cramp in some previously-uncramped region of my body. Even, Cute Rick, if I have to pee all over my fairly-pricey wedding gown in my oh-so-perfect office chair.

To all you whiny-ass fellas out there with no balls and perpetual looks on your
faces of someone having smeared shit underneath your noses I say, “Rest easy. You have brothers on the lookout for a good woman for you. And byGod, they knows one when they sees one.”

8 worked it out »

  1. zee 9.5.2004

    this is the best post i’ve read all week. it sure feels like a whole damn week anyway.

    a t-shirt called my attention last time i was out, (was that thursday?) it read: “I got blown by Charley”. i immediately thought 2 things: [1] what would Jett blog about this? [2] it would be a better tee if it read: “I got blown by Frances”.

     
  2. The Dane 9.5.2004

    I don’t think you’d really pee on your chair.

     
  3. The Dane 9.5.2004

    I don’t think you’d really pee on your chair.

     
  4. Jettomatika 9.5.2004

    You believe it so much you have to state it –quite firmly, I might add– TWICE!

     
  5. redclay 9.6.2004

    how can you resist?

    him pushing his brother out into the middle of the dance floor.

    his brother with the asthma and the hunchback, and the fungus on his nails.

    “go head. i done all the spade work. she wants you. all you got to do is clean the back seat of your car out.”

     
  6. CNL 9.6.2004

    I would like to point out, I asked you to marry me first. Therefore, if you get freed up anytime soon, I get first dibs. BTW, sorry I didn’t call you back. My phone decided to have a heart attack 2 miles from the rest arena. Arrived safe and well. Mission accomplished and all that.

     
  7. Jettomatika 9.7.2004

    *pats CPNPL on the head*

    And what a glorious mission it was, dear.

     
  8. ‘Secretary’ ruined any grasp of innocence I had remaining in my body. I was so repulsed I turned it off the sixty minute mark and promptly had a cold shower. I’ll never look at Maggie – Previous Darling of My Heart Before I Saw Her As A Psycho Nympho Cutter – Gyllenhal the same way again. Sigh.

     

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