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Jett Superior laid this on you on || January 9, 2005 || 1:02 am

Answer me this one:

What the fuck is wrong with Anna Nicole’s voice in the new TrimSpa commercial?

Also, this whole ‘points equal rewards, fucktard consumer’ retail thing has spiralled way beyond control. If we’re all gonna do points, fellas, I vote that somebody bring their A game and mix it up just a little bit. Make it interesting! I would like to see points for the following:

~me visiting your store restroom, both alone and accompanying the Superior offspring

~my having to put up with a surly employee, and conversely, an over-enthusiastic employee

~my having added my purchase up in my head and having the check I’m writing totally completed before the cashier/clerk/associate/brethren-of-the-dark/employee can even get that shit rung up!

~how quickly I can get into your store and out with seventeen items (or so) marked ‘paid in full’

You know, shtuff like that.

Holy hell, brothers and sisters….everyone has their own little program and their own little fancy-dancy names for program particulars. You can’t keep that shit straight for nothin’, especially if you visit more than one store with a system per week. And THE CARDS!!! If you carried the little card (and some places give you TWO!) from every crapping store you shove a toe into, you would fall over from the weight of all that plastic. Maybe from their outgassing, too.

Not only would I like to get out-of-the-ordinary points, I would like to be able to redeem those points for unique ‘rewards’, as well: Dental work. Car washes. Ice sculptures. A shiny jumpsuit equipped with a rocket pack and lots-n-lots of velcro.

You watch. I typed it and now it will happen. When, in six to nine months, you see a sort of shift in the type of prizey goodness that points can be redeemed for, recall that you heard it here first.

That Faith Popcorn bitch (not linking, as the site makes my gorge rise) ain’t got nothin’ on me, man.

5 worked it out »

  1. skillzy 1.9.2005

    A POX ON ALL CHEK WRITERS! GET OUT OF MY LANE! GET THEE TO AN ATM!

     
  2. hans 1.10.2005

    I carry one card to a store I frequent. If I find myself in a different store and silly me without a card, I hastily fill out a new card app in line under the name of reasonably (but not quickly memorable) famous person out of history.

    This includes but is not limited to:

    Richard Ramirez

    Yuri Andropov

    Ed White

    Virgil “Gus” Grissom

    Roger Chaffee

    Gordo Cooper

    And my favorite, because the store I signed up under this name actually sent adds to:

    Yuri Gagarin!!!!

     
  3. Nina 1.10.2005

    I don’t know wtf is up with her voice, much less the entire fucking commercial. It makes me want to throw the teevee out the window.

    There was only one store that required the little discount card thingy that I went to and the only reason I ever went there was it was (well, still is) open 24/7 and was closest to home. However, one night I was forced to throw a big ol’ hissy fit at the register and walked out and left a basket full of stuff on the conveyor belt. I threw their little keyring card down in their parking lot vowing not to step foot in their craptacular store again. I’ll stick to good ol’ United where the prices are cheaper and I don’t have to be a card carrying member to get them.

     
  4. Mish 1.11.2005

    I hate that commercial as well and for many other reasons than her voice but now that I think about it it may be the main reason. Whaant thiss bohdy??

    Shut the fuck up you formerly fat and always stupid bitch!

     
  5. Pimme 1.25.2005

    The first time that I saw the Anna Nicole ad, I thought that someone had the porn station on TV.

     

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