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Jett Superior laid this on you on || June 30, 2005 || 10:39 am

(and pee ess, I’m not pregnant, even though I was an amazing ten days late.)

SO, the night before last each and every one of the four Superior children –Piper, Sam, Scout AND Mathias– had an overnight guest. Used to be that I’d make them stagger out their sleepovers, but MY HEAVENLY LORD it takes weeks on end, loads of patience and furious schedule-juggling to do that when you have more than two kids. I’m the adventurous sort; why not take my medicine all at once?

This was an experiment we may repeat because it actually worked out pretty well. Overall, I’d say I raised my voice significantly less than usual, because all of the children were distracted and not so hell-bent on torturing one another.

(Perhaps you are familiar with Ritual Sibling Torture? It comes in various forms, but the most common executions are Girls Versus Boys, Plague The Person Next-Oldest To You, and Plague The Person Next-Youngest To You.)

Also, there were fresh ears –the girl Piper had over was newly-introduced to The Way Of Superior– for all the tired, semi-lame lines that mothers everywhere personalize and make their own. YES, darling Muffinasses, I got to tell one more kid in the world that, “Right now I’m tellin’, next time, I’m yellin’.”

Because, you see, everyone gets duly warned before the Mommy Viper attacks.

We awoke early, early, early yesterday morning, this Maxim-person and I, to tousle one another’s hair and make the ridiculous sounds that people having smokin-good sex have, only to try and smother them with pillows and one another’s skin so that The Children Will Not Be Traumatized. Yes, we have sex while other people’s offspring are in our house*. Damnit, you people…don’t you listen? I just told you four or five paragraphs ago that I am an adventurous sort!

After that, Maxim dragged himself up out of bed to go and visit his stores to make sure the retail monkeys were not flipping off the customers and flinging poo at them**. We chatted as he ironed his clothes and picked out his socks and then when he went off to get his shower, I reclined in my scrumptious bed blissing on the quiet. When he came back in, I remarked on it.

JETT: Listen, my lovely, to that broad expanse of silence.

MAXIM: Yes ma’am, it is enjoyable.

[fear creeps into JETT's voice]

JETT: Yes, but…

JETT: Out there, beyond that piece of wood

[JETT gestures toward the bedroom door]

JETT: they lie in wait. They could overrun us at any minute.

MAXIM: Us, hell! Bitch, I’m outta here for the day!

And with that, the vile, traitorous bastard slid out the french doors onto the patio , disappearing in his practical little wind-uppish car.

*I have this friend that tells me unabashedly that she WILL NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, have sex while children are in the house. Not her own and OHMYMERCIFULLORD, especially not anyone else’s!

**When I lived in Oklahoma, I went on school-sponsored trips to the zoo about three times. Each and every time, the chimpanzees made a myriad of rude gestures and flung poo at the visitors. I finally asked the tour guide lady why they didn’t send those monkeys on tour and get a new, more amiable batch.

3 worked it out »

  1. Daddy to be Delmer Skeets McGee 6.30.2005

    1) I am not a doctor, nor do I play on a TV; but if I had to bet why you’re cycle was tardy it would have something to do with your clock being thrown off by oh…say a traumatic injury?

    2) Sooooo my better half didn’t sustain a traumatic injury and well…… yep you guessed it! The really good news: we are farther along than we have ever been!! Keep your phalanges crossed!

     
  2. Jettomatika 6.30.2005

    And tell Jet to keep her legs crossed!

    It’s a girl, I just KNOW it.

     
  3. Del 7.1.2005

    Girl…that would mean I am SO doomed.

    Legs…not keeping her legs crossed was what got us in this situation in the first place.

     

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