A Random Image

How ’bout you Ess Tee Eff You before I have to take off my Badass Robotic Leg and beat the piss out of you with it.

Today I went to have the ugly blue cast (I must’ve been in pain when I got it; powder blue is not my speed) hacked off, WOO!

WOO! I said, you people, WOOOWOOOWOOOO. You need to be aware of the following facts about my trip to the Boneman’s office:

1) Punknurse was jazzed to see me. And not just because I baked those cookies I blogged about last time. I make her laugh; many, many people speak in a shamefully poor fashion to Punknurse and bring her down, yo.

2) Punknurse got a haircut. Haircut=less product. She did her makeup to match. The girl is lovely, and less warpaint is an improvement.

3) I had to have Ex Rays before I was allowed to molt my fiberglass casing. This caused mild consternation and me half-shouting, “NO FAIR!” like a glorified kinnygartner because this veered away from The Day’s Master Plan by yours truly.

4) Boneman greeted me enthusiastically. This is good, as he is ay) brilliant and bee) grodily wealthy. In my experience, sometimes those types of folks ‘forget’ to be courteous and friendly.

5) I was wearing something sleeveless today, and Boneman inquired as to the meaning of the Latin on the tat. If you’re new to these parts: ‘Virescit vulnere virtus’: ‘Courage grows strength from a wound.’ He grinned broadly and then pointed to my Ex Ray to give me the lowdown.

6) I am not quite healed. My bones are not filled with the magic awesomeness that I thought they were and therefore I do not have a leg up (ar-ar) on all you lesser beings out there. Shhh, let’s all just keep a lid on that. I’m only telling you because you are the trusted Muffinasses and as such will never betray me!

7) I am, however, right on freaking track and healing nicely! He waved his magic orthopaedist’s hand and decreed I be loosed from my cast and placed in this VERY AWESOME ROBOTIC (not really, it’s manual and crafted of plastic, foam, velcro, air pouches and gore-tex, but you all knew what I meant) LEG BRACE. I wanted two, BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING COOL LIKE THAT. Can you tell I’m trying to talk myself into everything I just said? Is it terribly transparent? Truth is, though, I don’t care what a fucking doofus I look like…because my skin can breathe! I can totally take baaaaaths, lawsy yayus! I can give myself a five-toe pedicure on that right foot rather than the two or three toes I had full access to!

8) While Punknurse sawed my cast, I hacked away at it with vicious-ass scissors. Let’s get our cut on!

9) I’d not really itched under the various casts and wraps I’ve been subjected to lo these two months, but as soon as the cast came off my nerve endings stood up and saluted. I began to scratch and gobs of skin came off in my hands (yeah, it’s alright for your gorge to rise up in defiance here…I forgive you). “Eww!” I yelled, “EWWW, Punknurse, I must address this immediately!”

10) The sink was rather tall (even taller than your heroine, can you imagine?), so I hopped my ass up onto that counter, stuck my leg into the sink up to the knee and proceeded to scrub my skin and foot with a stiff brush while making various oohing and aahing noises. I was also cautioning myself, aloud, to not forget the fact that “…all that mess down there is still tender, God heppit.”

11) The top of my foot is still pretty swollen. My ankle looks as if it has a baseball shoved into it. Compared to the cantaloupe of two months ago, I am jazzed, but I’m still a titch worried regardless: Will I have a cankle? Don’t laugh, you fuckers! No cankles or I will be vain and cryyyyy!

12) I can’t get over the horror that was my leg. Pale, dotted up, semi-manhaired, yuuuuucky. Couldn’t wait to shave and moisturize.

13) The boys (Sam and one of the SkateFeebs*) got a massively big kick out of the VERY AWESOME ROBOTIC LEG BRACE (hereinafter known as VARLB, mkay?). They walked beside me in the parking deck, making the vocal approximations of the rise, forward movement and fall of a ‘botleg. It echoed like crazy and I wanted to demurely say something Wonderful And Southerin like, “Huhhsh, bow-eez,” but I was unable to due to my hyena-like, barking laughter. I am the very definition of genteel and don’t you forget it.

14) The very most important thing you should know about all this is that I got to take a bath! All the Superior children recognized the utter sacredness of this moment and let me soak in there for an eternity uninterrupted. When I emerged, shrivelled and teeth chattering (yeah, I let the water get crazy-cold) and smelling of caramelly honey, I don’t think I’d ever been so relieved and happy in all my life. Keep in mind, I’ve given birth. Three times!

15) Even now, my leg still retains the shape of the cast somewhat, mimicking all the lumps and grooves. AHHHhaha! But it is clean-shaven, and that redeems it of any unshapliness for the time being.

16) I have a series of tendon-stretchy ultrasecret ninja moves to practice, and I go back in four weeks. Punknurse was making over me, exclaiming, “You’ve hardly a limp! You’re a determined thing, I can tell!” She’s right; I *am* determined…I’ve been stretching and flexing that sucker as best I can inside that cast. I’m ready to be back in fighting shape. He has not officially released me yet, but I’m going to try to do some light casework next week and see how things roll. As expected, some of my clients are falling slap apart. Some, however, are doing quite well, so I will not go back to fully discouraging surroundings. There is hope yet.

There were other things that happened today (as relating to the entry’s title), but this post is already way too long and I’m heading off to momma and daddy’s ( a big Kermit the Frog YAAAAAAAY! here)early tomorrow. I’ll finish the tale upon my return.

Don’t blow up the world or go skydiving without a parachute in my absence. I prefer to have a front row seat on all the action. Which reminds me: The marriage of one of my favorite super heroes and Christian Bale, who is officially TEH HOTTNEZ: Full-on Rowr, with a cappilull are. His growly speech affection when he was immersed in cowl was cheesy, and somebody should have reined that shit in, but all the best ones are flawed in some glaring fashion, aren’t they? I hold to my initial Rowr. Catch you on the flip side.

*what I call him and his skate team. I love those boys; they make me hoot like a madwoman.

7 worked it out »

  1. marc 7.6.2005

    Nothing quite prepares you for how that leg looks when the cast comes off. All scrawny and nasty. When I all that happen, I had just turned 19. The doctor’s staff brilliantly intuited that I wasn’t all that up on the skin care, so were kind enough to include some sort of scrapy sponge and other stuff with my “go home” kit.

    But bathing without hassle was also one of the first things that had to be done. That was always the most annoying part (beyond the pain and stuff).

  2. chris robinson 7.6.2005

    People ran in to check on me because I was laughing so hard over “cankle.” You’ll be back to kicking ass with that leg soon enough.

  3. Coelecanth 7.6.2005

    Good thing you scraped that leg down before taking that bath. My first post-casty bath was somewhat marred by the scum of dead skin floating around.

  4. john 7.6.2005

    I also eagerly await the new Batman movie…just not for the same reason.

  5. Richard D. Bartlett 7.8.2005

    i was on something somewhere and i saw the word ‘muffinass’ but i lack the recollection exactly. apologies. usually when im on something somewhere i note these things down in my cellphone: ‘candyfloss birthday’ ’september 20′ ‘wall-sized wall-planner’, but for the life of me I can’t find a reference to muffins nor asses.


  6. MerryMadMonk 7.11.2005

    Cankle Remedy And Prevention — wear one of your combat boots on the affected foot until all signs of cankle disappear. Take off only when bathing or other extracurricular activities (or not — heck, I dunno. Maxim might get a “kick” out of it). Hope this helps.

    Oh, and for the VARLB. Get the kids to make an mp3 of their botleg soundfx, then strap an mp3 player on the VARLB (hidden preferably) and turn that puppy on (high volume) whenever you’re walking in a public place.

  7. Jettomatika 7.11.2005

    Oh honey, Maxim likes the boots.

    He most certainly likes the boots.

    I think I panicked a little. Signs of a cankle are lessening slowly.

    AND CHRIS: glad my misery is your delight! Dint I tell you people NOT TO LAUGH?? Selfish, insensitive heretic. >:o)


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