A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || January 17, 2006 || 9:05 pm

Oooh! A new bit player! YAY!

So, as some of you long-term Muffinasses may recall, I’ve used this forum to introduce you to several somewhat ‘colorful’ local characters. They include, but are not limited to, such smash hits as Irritable Chinese Guy and Antisocial Three-Wheeled Bicycler.

(I would throw all the newbies a history fill-in linkytype bone, but I am hopelessly lazy this evening. Condemn me for sloth if it makes you feel even an eensy bit better.)

Tonight I’m here to share a new person with you: Lesbian Pizza Driver.

What is remarkable (where remarkable=’how this applies directly to ME, you know’) about Lesbian Pizza Driver is not that she is lesbian, nor that she is a driver (she’s not a pizza at ALL, for those of you that are easily flummoxed), nor even that she happens to drive pizzas while being a lesbian.

(she doesn’t really drive pizzas. she drives a little red truck. the pizzas go IN the truck. you know, with her. she drives them around. at least until she gets to the destination, a.k.a. Place Of Future Pizza Consumption.)

(this is going to be a rabbit-chasing night in the way of storytelling. you people know how I sometimes get.)

What is, in fact, remarkable about LPD, is that she flirts heavily and shamelessly with me whenever I

ay) pick a pizza up and she happens to be staffing the drive-thru.

bee) order a pizza and she happens to be the person delivering.

For the record, I’ve never answered the door in my underwear. Nor have I gone through the drive-thru in a mink (and ONLY a mink, woo!) and said something suggestive like, “Which fur do you prefer, this one,” *opening coat and casting eyes demurely downward* “or THIS one, hmmm?”

So don’t come at me with culpability and shit. I know how you people are.

Look, I’m progressive and shit. I am fully flattered when a lesbian turns an appreciative eye toward me. We women are a catty, analytical lot by nature. We, with a few exceptions, size up and decimate other females quickly, cleanly and coldly. So if a chick decides I’m worthy of her appreciation, I consider it the highest form of compliment. I get hit on by females with a fair amount of regularity; Maxim finds this quite amusing (I offer him the same sniggers and mocking finger-pointing when the shoe is on the other foot, as he is a magnet for gay men) each time, but is overwhelmed with hilarity when a particularly butchy chick hones in on me.

I am perfectly comfortable with a dykelyke female as a contemporary. I’m SO VERY SQUIRMY when they turn the hopped-up pheromonal eye toward me.

“EEEE! I am a straight girl! I luuuuurrrrve me some penis! EEEEE, frightening butchbabe, just EEEE!”

Throw a lipstick lesbian at me, all curvy and soft and smelling good, and I’m receptive to her flirting. YOU HEAR ME, FEMMES? I WILL TOTALLY LET YOU STROKE MY HUMONGOUS EGO. Please, please, just don’t be disappointed when that’s all you get to stroke. I’ll be your eye candy all day long, but there’ll be no panty parties here.

LPD’s flirting grosses me the hell out. She’s all skinny and angular with a mullet ‘do and she postures in a way that’s reminiscent of a junior high boy: “I’m not a man yet, but I’m doing my damnedest to be a reasonable facsimile thereof.” She’s nice, and I’m kind in return, but I don’t offer much in the way of interaction aside from general politeness, because I DO NOT WANT TO ENCOURAGE HER IN THE LEAST. I don’t want to encourage her, because she throws off the salivating lust vibe something fierce.

Oh, Lesbian Pizza Driver, would that I could be your next Friday night post-delivery shift conquest, but I’ll have to take a pass. There is a nice Mary Kay lady that I’d like to introduce you to, however. I’ve long suspected that she uses the shining pink auspices of her car-winning cosmetics career not to line her pocketbook, but to gorge her eyeballs on all the giggling T&A a ‘respectable’ Methodist girl can stand. Maybe she can soften you around the edges just enough to make it palatable for me to offer you a beaming smile when you go all eyebrow-wiggly on me.

2 worked it out »

  1. del 1.17.2006

    You should be ashamed of yourself, passin on a woman with a mullet and the body language of a premanhood teen with something to prove. Oh wait, you spurned her affection ’cause she drove a truck, not a mid 80’s to 90’s camero or firebird. I mean if she had been in a sweet fbody you would have been all over her right?

    I feel confident that I can say that as everybody loves a good lipstick lesbian story, why don’t you go into the mary kay character a little more….throw in a sleepover with a pilow fight too ok?

  2. Robbo Bobbo 2.6.2006


    Oh how my eyes jumped to the next word in such Testosterone driven, fantasy building anticipation that I nearly sprained my retina when I saw EGO. Dammit! Who is gonna pay for my rehab?


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