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Archive for June, 2006

|| June 17, 2006 || 5:19 pm || Comments (1) ||

What’s getting me through the day today:

Multi sunt vocati, pauci vero electi.

Being chosen means there is work involved. Work means flexing, straining, being tired. You grow stronger from all those things. Leaner. Meaner. Able to do more, to be more.

I’m off to take a nap. The world doesn’t seem so brutal when you’re fresh.

|| June 16, 2006 || 2:57 pm || Comments (0) ||

Testing me.

I am warning you all: There will likely be much posting about my children this week, because they are making me batshittier than usual as they are –above and beyond all else– fetching and unusual creatures. No, really.

As a for instance, last week Piper’s social worker handed her a little booklet. It’s nineteen pages and formidably titled Daniel Memorial Institute INDEPENDENT LIVING ASSESSMENT for LIFE SKILLS Objective Long Assessment Form.

Basically, it’s a way to see if the kid can do basic maths and tie her shoe laces and doesn’t drool on herself (in public, anyway). Some of the questions are beyond laughable, as are some of the answers, but I understand that there are children out there who don’t know anything about anything because their parents are/were selfish shitheads. Hell, I used to work with a lot of those families, where generation after generation stagnated in ignorance until somebody came along and taught them something at least marginally better.

Okay, I’m oversimplifying it an eensy bit (I’m so sorry. I know that you people are not used to the puffed-up, grandiose version of anything from the likes of me. I’ll try to rein that shit in.); there are both common-sense things and more complex life-related questions in there. Mostly, Piper did really well. She’s pretty savvy and quite bright. However (oh darlin’, you knew there’d be a however, didn’t you?), sometimes she dropped the ball. For instance, there is this sample question and set of answers

Which routine car expense costs the most over a one year period?
1. Basic car maintenance
2. Liability and collision insurance
3. Gasoline
4. Mortgage insurance

and God love her, Piper picked number four. I could see her going out on a limb and picking three, given the ridiculousness at the pumps these days, but FOUR? Sweet mother of Howdy Doody!

As I looked over the quiz just prior to sending it back to her worker, I said, “Piper, sug, what’s a mortgage?”

“Um a loan on your house deed.”

“Okay, sure, close enough. So you’re aware that a mortgage relates to a house, correct?”

“Yes ma’am.” (so very decisive)

“Then why would mortgage insurance have anything to do with automotive expenses?”

“Well gah, mom, anthing is possible in the Land Of Dink.”

Because self-deprecation is the salvation of everyone in this house, selah and amen.

In her defense, there are some question-and-answer sets that tip the Stupe-O-Meter. Such as,

Which is a way of getting rid of mice?
1. Call the Chamber of Commerce
2. Call the local school system for advice
3. Call the Health Department for advice
4. Get a snake that eats mice

none of which makes any sense, really, to me. Call the Chamber for names of exterminators? Call the health department for home-cooked rat poison recipes? WHY NOT JUST PUT ‘Give the exterminator a ringy-ding’ or ‘Purchase rodent trap at Wal-Mart’ IN THE LIST OF ANSWERS? WHY MAKE THIS ALL RIDICULOUS?

You’re supposed to make the quiz smarter than the quizees. Even those of us in Dinkland know that much.

Ohgodohgodohgod, make it stop; make it stop now, please.

Honeychildren, Armageddon is nigh.

Again I say, myspace: NO.

Happy birthday and rest in peace, beautiful girl.

“We all have our path that we walk here and largely it unfolds before us completely out of our control regardless of how we plan, prepare, or think.”

“My friends and family have tried to keep my mind engaged this week and keep me busy to ease the intensity of mourning. I’m not very good at it.”

“What am I to do?”

::: :: ::: :: ::: :: :::

Some three years ago, Clayton let me bust out the news of his engagement to EL. I got to grace the interwebnet with the grand and wonderful news. He was so very excited by her, by the prospect of a life with her.

And then, when they were married, I posted a poem. It seems fitting to re-post it now. There is an achey sort of irony to it.

If I could take you

Even no further than into my arms

You would be where you belong.

To possess you for even so short a time

and, with your arms around me, to be possessed

Two helpless pawns, controlled

by the fire and sweet gravity of desire

Holding you

I would chase and catch the lights that burn in your eyes

Until for just a moment they shine brightly, just for me

And then, sweetly smoldering, your curtains close

Leaving me to dream

Knowing even the sweetest dream could not compare

~R. Bankard, ‘Response’

|| June 4, 2006 || 12:48 am || Comments (1) ||

Sure, it’s crass to quote oneself

…but I put this in someone’s comments earlier and it really, really makes me laugh; I hope it tickles you, too, because I hit publish on it before I realized how really and truly and very embarrassing a disclosure it actually is:

“Recently I had a dream that I was having a mad-passionate affair with Robin Williams.

“There was spirited housecleaning involved. Don’t ask.

“Both of those scenarios are so far out there that I question the sanity of the dreaming me.”

Today I found this in one of my referrals, and YOU PEOPLE BETTER NEVER QUESTION MY STREET CRED AGAIN, because apparently I keep it real enough for one of Women of Woodworking’s finest. Salut!

This evening I eschewed a night of drunken bowling followed by drunken Rook (living in Hellabama is the damned sexiest, All You Folk) to drink bongwater couch a little with Maxim. I saw my boyfriend Christian in The Machinist and he was so thin that I couldn’t stop thinking, “He looks like a Holocaust victim.”

Dedication to craft, or lunacy?

I think he’d make a fabulous James Bond in the future. I’m not a Bond movie fan, however. I’ve never watched one on purpose.

Furthermore, I saw my bitchass former mother-in-law while out shopping last night. She eyeballed me, drew up short, jaw dropped and eyes a-poppin’; she looked as if she felt the need to either spontaneously combust or wither up and die right there. I didn’t miss a lick: I lobbed an extreeeeemely bright (fluorescent, even) “HI!” at her. It was coupled with a megawatt grin the likes of which could have powered the mall for weeks. I kept on my merry way; I managed to do all this while not hiccuping a beat nor forking the sign of the evil eye at her.

I know! Surprised me too, dear Muffinasses! Next time I’ll carry my necklace o’ garlic with me. For just-in-casers. Sometimes I think that my former MIL is one of those people that could benefit from the kind of love that only a Zakk Wylde hug could produce.

:: “C’mon over here, Gossipy Lying Old Bag, and lemme put some Zakk on ya!” ::

I love how the acronym for that is GLOB. How sweet! Biff’s mother now has her own [Abuantg.] nick. Bless her heart.

And mine too, for ever having to share a holiday meal with that chubby little ball of two-faced ridiculousness and baseless pretension. What don’t kill us’ll make us stronger, y’all.

|| June 1, 2006 || 5:29 am || Comments (8) ||

My high school buddies know me best.

Forwarded to me from Pounders, who was in the mighty, mighty AP English class that had Mrs. Reid at the helm:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately , and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

The only part they left out is where you challenge a significant portion of the Fifth Fleet (and perhaps even some of the 4th Marine Division) to an arm wrestling showdown. Or to toggle shots head-to-head. Or arm wrestle WHILE throwing back shots.

You get the idear.