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Jett Superior laid this on you on || June 16, 2006 || 2:57 pm

Testing me.

I am warning you all: There will likely be much posting about my children this week, because they are making me batshittier than usual as they are –above and beyond all else– fetching and unusual creatures. No, really.

As a for instance, last week Piper’s social worker handed her a little booklet. It’s nineteen pages and formidably titled Daniel Memorial Institute INDEPENDENT LIVING ASSESSMENT for LIFE SKILLS Objective Long Assessment Form.

Basically, it’s a way to see if the kid can do basic maths and tie her shoe laces and doesn’t drool on herself (in public, anyway). Some of the questions are beyond laughable, as are some of the answers, but I understand that there are children out there who don’t know anything about anything because their parents are/were selfish shitheads. Hell, I used to work with a lot of those families, where generation after generation stagnated in ignorance until somebody came along and taught them something at least marginally better.

Okay, I’m oversimplifying it an eensy bit (I’m so sorry. I know that you people are not used to the puffed-up, grandiose version of anything from the likes of me. I’ll try to rein that shit in.); there are both common-sense things and more complex life-related questions in there. Mostly, Piper did really well. She’s pretty savvy and quite bright. However (oh darlin’, you knew there’d be a however, didn’t you?), sometimes she dropped the ball. For instance, there is this sample question and set of answers

Which routine car expense costs the most over a one year period?
1. Basic car maintenance
2. Liability and collision insurance
3. Gasoline
4. Mortgage insurance

and God love her, Piper picked number four. I could see her going out on a limb and picking three, given the ridiculousness at the pumps these days, but FOUR? Sweet mother of Howdy Doody!

As I looked over the quiz just prior to sending it back to her worker, I said, “Piper, sug, what’s a mortgage?”

“Um a loan on your house deed.”

“Okay, sure, close enough. So you’re aware that a mortgage relates to a house, correct?”

“Yes ma’am.” (so very decisive)

“Then why would mortgage insurance have anything to do with automotive expenses?”

“Well gah, mom, anthing is possible in the Land Of Dink.”

Because self-deprecation is the salvation of everyone in this house, selah and amen.

In her defense, there are some question-and-answer sets that tip the Stupe-O-Meter. Such as,

Which is a way of getting rid of mice?
1. Call the Chamber of Commerce
2. Call the local school system for advice
3. Call the Health Department for advice
4. Get a snake that eats mice

none of which makes any sense, really, to me. Call the Chamber for names of exterminators? Call the health department for home-cooked rat poison recipes? WHY NOT JUST PUT ‘Give the exterminator a ringy-ding’ or ‘Purchase rodent trap at Wal-Mart’ IN THE LIST OF ANSWERS? WHY MAKE THIS ALL RIDICULOUS?

You’re supposed to make the quiz smarter than the quizees. Even those of us in Dinkland know that much.

Nobody worked it out »

Don´t be shy. Lay it on me.

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