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Jett Superior laid this on you on || October 12, 2006 || 11:21 pm

Christmas shopping, round one.

Sam had a doctor’s appointment with a specialist-type person away from Hicksville today. The country mice, equipped with good attitudes and what ready cash was available, set out for the Big City. Well, North Hellabama’s version of the Big City, anyway.

Here is where I write a teasy little blurb foreshadowing how the day’s mission went to rack and complete fucking ruin.

Mathias was the objet de shoppe today, so Toys R Us (no corporate bastards get linked in this post!) was in order. First we went to the PX on the base so as to recon their little toy room. I got the Titanium Series Vehicles (of which, Boba Fett’s “_new”>Slave I is my verymost favorite) for like four bux apiece. I found some more of those infernally adorable Galactic Heroes; it’s getting harder to buy that particular item because I canna possibly keep a running tally in my head of which is what and what the dang kid has. Were I smart, I would make a list based on the ones that end up molded into the arches of my feet on late-night trips to the loo. He always manages to strategically miss a solitary one during family room clean-ups.

Alas, they didn’t have the Darth Vader action figure carrying case; I saw one of these in Kmart sometime this summer and foolishly thought they’d be around later. Neither did they have a massive bucket of Legos. The kid –quite suddenly– began lamenting his Legoless existence back in the spring and you’d think that he is the World’s Most Neglected Offspring as a result. I made a mental note to add those to the Christmas list, along with one of those Lego lap table thingies. All the better to pile up your Lego fortress, don’tcha know.

Off to Toys R Us, a store which makes me quite stabby as a general sentiment. Necessity is necesssity, however, and I boldly trucked up in there, snagging a basket for the onslaught of toy purchasing to come. Please insert crickets chirping here, for the basket I was so eager to impregnate with pending purchases stayed forlornly barren: No Darth Vader carrying case. No gigunda bucket of Legos. No, not even the accompanying Lego platform, just the sad plastic weave of the buggy’s floor.

Oh, they had Legos all right. They had kits in all shapes, sizes, themes and price points. It was a veritable orgasmic frenzy of fantasy Lego scenarios. I just. wanted. a. big. ole. bucket. ofthedamnedthings. My kid is brilliant and doesn’t require the guidance/constraints of a preselected Lego diagram. He wants to make those Legos his bitch; he wants to create unfettered and unstructured! HE IS A NONCONFORMIST, MY MATHIAS! gah!

I did what any self-respecting twenty-first century parent would do: I stood in the middle of the Lego aisle, whipped out my mobile and phoned KB Toys. No dice there either, and the girl on the phone was infuriatingly, thickly, crazily dumb.

Sam and I made our way back to the mountain we call home; in fact, we had a fine time doing so. He is in his ‘I’m discovering grunge’ phase, so he slid some Nirvana into the ceedee player. I was Kurt Cobain and Sam was Dave Grohl and we officially Rocked The Motherfuckin’ House.

“You are quite wicked with an air guitar, woman,” my boy said to me, and I sheepishly thanked him.

“Seriously, mom, why don’t you start another band? You love to play, and I would really like to see you up on stage rocking out. I would love it, in fact.”

That’s crazytalk. Great, ego-stroking and wonderful crazytalk. Matter of fact, me picking up the bass is mebbe a means to that end, but I didn’t tell him that. I muttered something about being too old to make a serious stab at the musicks anymore. Sam was hearing none of that. Then we talked about soul-stirring things like music and love and futures at great length. That boy is a remarkable person, and I count myself lucky to be his momma.

So, Wal(gack, I hate you)Mart: batting a thousand. No Darth Vader case, and nary a single Lego in sight, unless you count those eensy Bionicle kits. The hell you say!

Doesn’t anyone just sell a big-ass bucket of plain ole Legos anymore? And a lap table? Would a FUCKING LEGO LAP TABLE be too very much to ask??? auuuuuughhhhhhh….

Look, for all the bitching about brick-and-mortar sales declining, you would think that stores would stay stocked. There are eighty-three different kinds of toothpaste, for hellsakes! Not one pail of Legos? I call bullshit on that noise. It’s as if they are shoving us toward e-commerce harder and harder (even as they protest), and that just pisses me right off. I’m a tactile person; I like colors and sounds and jeezohpete textures. The interwebnets is spiffy and convenient and all, but I don’t want to derive all sustenance and pleasure from this box…the notion of that just sickens and apalls me. Am I the only person of that sort left?

Dejected and forlorn, because yea and verily this has gone down as The Least Successful Shoppy Venture In All My Born Days, I sought to console myself as any all-American girl would; I self-medicated with the anticipation of a purchase for my veryownself. The object of my shoppy lusting? Welllll, if you must know, I went on the prowl for tube socks. I wasn’t looking for just any ole tube sock, though. I wanted the big long ones with the stripey bands of color about the top. The very idea of frolicking about in the same kind of socks that I sported during my knobby-kneed roundballer days was intoxicating.

Women’s department: delation. Men’s department: frustration. Boy’s department: sorrow. Anguish, even. I am as yet unstripetytubesocked. I came home, dejected and downtrodden, to share the whole mess with all of Cyberia (well, twenty-three of you, at least. Twenty-three of you and the one or two fetishy freaks that inevitably turn up). Lucky, lucky you.

*hiccup*

*sob*

*WAAAIIIIIILLL*

6 worked it out »

  1. skillzy 10.13.2006

    Hey, did you get a Slave 1 yesterday? Was it the shiny chrome-plated one or the painted one? Cuz I want a painted one real bad. I have a Jedi Starfighter and a Y-Wing on my desk but I RILLY RILLY want a Slave 1. But not the shiny one.

     
  2. brynne 10.13.2006

    Ahaaaa… I luff me some stripey socks too and was soo happy to see them at this store: http://www.americanapparelstore.com/accessories-socks–legwear.html

    zat what you’re talkin about?

     
  3. Shamrock 10.14.2006

    Tube socks . . . you are the third person I saw wearing them or heard mention them this week. I think I must be having a flashback. Anyway, they have them at Sports Authority. Do you have one in your area of Hellabama?

     
  4. july 10.14.2006

    Drives my friend mad: he lives in NYC, LOVES legos… no lego store. Me? NJ, located smack in between 2 lego stores, each 30 minutes away. If you’re ever near one, and since you like colors and sounds and jeezopete textures, stop in. See the lego site to find the store nearest you..

    Oh and HI! Long time to talk!

     
  5. peter 10.14.2006

    I’ve found that all the fun has run out of retail shopping lately – not only does the selection always leave me wanting, but every time i pick something up i am subconsciously asking myself “how much would that be on Amazon?”

     
  6. Jettomatika 10.15.2006

    Who knew that tubesocks and Legos would bring all my babies out of the woodwork?? It almost feels like the good ole days up in here.

    Skillz: If you are being rilly for rill, I know of at least THREE painted ones in Gadsden. Shoot me your new address and I’ll throw one in the post. I myself bought the shiny one because, well, it was SHINY.

    BRYNNE! I’m always so excited to see you dropping in. How are you? What’s new? You blogging anywhere? What are you pursuing creatively? pleeeeease drop me a line so I can catch up with goings-on.

    Shammy, I didn’t even think to check there, so thanks.

    JOOOOOOOLLLY! How are you? How is the sprout? What on earth has been going on? Thx for the nod, cos I didn’t even know that there were such things as WHOLE GEEDANG STORES devoted to little plastic bricks, amen and amen.

    Peter: me too. Tis sad, really. I miss the excitement of uninhibited consumery behavior. I’m a binge shopper, for sure, and stores just don’t accomodate any longer. >:o(

     

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