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Archive for December, 2007

|| December 19, 2007 || 9:10 am || Comments (5) ||


I did not win the lottery this week.

However, I am not bitter about this.

How’s y’all?

(Lots of improptu roadtrippin’=sporadic updating)

|| December 14, 2007 || 12:10 am || Comments (3) ||

Now with golden tongue AND hands!

A few weeks back I was lusting a pair of gold boxing gloves. They were super inexpensive, marked down to twenty bucks. I passed them by, though, recalling that Christmas was coming up and I’d want to spend that sawbuck elsewhere. Less than two weeks later –fully out of the blue– I got a ten-dollars-off coupon from that very store. This past weekend I went and procured those fine-looking little fleshpounders.

I was damned excited to just carry them out of the store. However, I was nowhere near as excited as I was to get them tried out this evening. Sam begged me to let him take a hit and that evolved into him wearing one glove and me wearing one glove, the two of us talking silly smack to one another and devolving further into sound effects and clown punches.

Scout pleaded for my glove and I hesitantly gave it up to her. “Look, Scout, I know how this will go!

“You’ll take a tap that you don’t like and then you’ll lose your sense of humor and want to go waling on your brother and I’ll end up yelling something fully lame like, ‘Damnit, I knew this garbage would happen!’”

Yes, I do tend to speak to my children in run-on sentences at times. Work with me here.

And, as I predicted, that very thing began to happen, but I kept her in check long enough for him to goose her ego a couple of times and then I started coaching her on what to look for and “…for Godsakes, don’t lose your temper. We’re playing.”

We were all sweaty, hooting messes by the time it was all done. I didn’t get one load of laundry completed, didn’t address the first Christmas card as planned. Scout went to bed giggling, saying that this should be a regular family event. Sam tacked on ‘blue boxing gloves’ to his list of Christmas wants and we decided we might like to learn the sport together. So yeah, Plans Be Damned, y’all.

Also, I got called ‘chucklefuck’ today. Chucklefuck. And here I thought I’d previously combinated the eff bomb in just about every fashion that I could, ever. Brilliant.

Really great day, all in all.

pee ess….I see that it is after midnight. Mathias is NINE today, niiiiiine!

|| December 12, 2007 || 5:28 pm || Comments (1) ||

“Jett Superior, you freak of goddamned nature.” *

I must be the only woman on the face of the planet to have ever gashed her knee open (right, medial) on a tube of lipgloss. And by ‘tube of lipgloss’ I mean a soft, squishy plastic (of the tender, pliable sort) tube with a rounded top. If I’m not the only woman on the face of the planet to have ever done that very thing, then I guarantee (like with money bets and everything!) that I’m the only one that did it in the middle of a vigorous gym session.

Until a few years ago, I never thought of myself as funny. One day all these Cyberians showed up and started telling me I was hilarious. E-mailing me, commenting me, “You are the funniest thing, like, evAR.” I was a tad flummoxed, you understand, because in my family wit is survival, and I’ve nowhere near the killer instinct with humor that most of my aunts and uncles and cousins are possessed of. Hell, I just grab up the reins and hang on for all I’m worth just to see where a volley will take me. Since I’ve been told over and over and over at this point that I’m a Certified Funny Girltm, I’ve taken the title and tried to sprint with it. I’m about as hammy with things as I can possibly be without being jailed.

So now I take into consideration things that people tell me about myself; I try to examine whether or not these might be actual characteristics that I’ve been assigned in some gigantic Trait Lottery hosted by the cosmos. A few weeks ago, when a woman in the office told me, “I swear, Elizabeth, you could tear up a steel post,” I puzzled on it for a few minutes.

After I thought about it, I turned to Tess and said, “Funny, I’ve never thought of myself as clumsy. Matter of fact, several people have remarked that I’m pretty graceful.”

“It’s not that you’re clumsy,” Tessa Rae said back to me, “it’s just that you go at everything SO HARD. You’re not gonna go over or around anything, you’re gonna go right. dang. through it.

“Stuff tends to get tore up sometimes when you’re around.” And this made sense.

So now you know why –contrary to any prevailing odds– there was a jaggedy tear formed in the tissue of my right knee this morning….via a verrrrry innocuous object.

* Contrary to popular belief, great salutations in your inbox are NOT a dime a dozen

|| December 11, 2007 || 12:29 am || Comments (0) ||


I know how to fight, I know how to fuck. I know how to bake and how to express myself in various media. I know how to stand bold as well as how to hang my head in disbelief. These are all things that life has handed to me in a series of vivid tutorials.

What I’m learning to do now is be a peacemaker….this is both with myself and others. It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever, ever done.

“I replied that what made being alive almost worthwhile for me, besides music, was all the saints I met, who could be anywhere. By saints I meant people who behaved decently in a strikingly indecent society.”

// Kurt Vonnegut, 2003

The e-mails, they will be responded to soonish. Don’t fret in the interim!

|| December 5, 2007 || 9:02 am || Comments (3) ||


I’ll see y’all in a little bit, okay?