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Jett Superior laid this on you on || May 30, 2008 || 8:59 am

learn from me, people


….should you unexpectedly back into your best friend’s car*, there are some things you should just go on and do. Let me inform you of what they are.

You proceed, calmly, to go and pick up your daughter as planned. That big ole dent will still be in that rear quarter panel when you get back. Yes, it’s best you get that kid, go to your best’s favorite coffee joint, and then you order up her favorite blended espresso drink (loaded) to bear as peace offering.

While you wait in the drive-through, you dial the number belonging to your insurance agent (who loves you dearly and intimately after The Great Tractor Fucking Of Oh-Five) and tell her to be at the ready when you text her with a “GO!”

When you get back to the office, you need to check your lipstick, brush your hair, straighten your scrubs and square up your shoulders. You proceed boldly through the door and speak evenly while looking her dead in the eye.

Please, for the love of God, hold out Favorite Espresso Drink as you do so. Offer to be loudly and aggressively sworn at. Say that the other party has one free swing they are entitled to, and also forty-eight hours of unchecked fury.

Then take them to lunch. Pay. And the dollar store. Paying there is not necessary; that would just be overkill. When the insurance adjuster phones, tell him that he better –byGod– go all-out on this one.

The next day, bring in the largest container of vinyl spackle you can find and sit it in the offended party’s desk chair. Attach a note to it saying, “I changed my mind. I’ma fix your car myself.” Hoot with glee each and every time a new individual is told and they call you clever things like ‘Crash’ and say equally clever things like, “OMG, BBQ, wherez ur parked, Ineeda look out forz you!” Ham it up big, now.

I really expected Tess to swing on me one good time. All she did was survey the (to my credit, Quite Awkwardly Laid-Out) parking lot and say in a sweet and measured tone, “I just don’t see how you managed to ding it with all this fucking rooooom,” while making a low-key sweeping gesture with her right arm.

“Look, just cuss me real good and get it over with,” I told her, “I REALLY WOULD FEEL BETTER IF THERE WERE SOME LOUD VOCALS AND CREATIVE CURSING EMPLOYED HERE.”

*the car that you heard her go on and on about for two years before she bought it back there in November.

5 worked it out »

  1. skillzy 5.31.2008

    Girl, you has some messed-up car-ma.

  2. Coelecanth 6.2.2008

    Your back-up skills may not be much but your make-up skills are indeed Superior.

  3. RDB 6.2.2008

    make-out skills!

  4. Jettomatika 6.3.2008

    RDB and C:

    It is because both are well-practiced: Making up, not frequently, but fiercely; making out, with a frequency some might find disturbing.

  5. Beth 12.19.2008

    I could just feel the calmness of how you handled this delicate situation in your words. Well done.


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