A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || July 1, 2008 || 9:17 pm

I planned on bringing back Teh Funneh this week. SHIT.

Let me just be blunt here: Sometimes Many times I pick up on the emotions of others and they manifest as physical ills in me. Sometimes I just experience the feeling itself and it’s strange, like putting on a coat that is familiar, but doesn’t quite fit so well. It took me many, many years to figure out that the sometimes-unexpected surges of emotion I was experiencing didn’t even belong to me. It took me a few more than that to learn to sort my own from those of others and not act (or react) based on what someone else was feeling in a given moment. Mostimes it’s pretty effortless any more, but sometimes it’s verra, verra exhausting.

Okay, I said it. I’m sure you never thought I could admit to one more thing that would make you believe I’m any more insane than you already do. I just don’t care. This particular trait is a huge part of who I am and why I behave in the manner I do, and while I’m not gonna be one of those crystal-squeezing loonies, neither am I going to not discuss it with others any more. I see things, I sense things, I inexplicably know things, I dream things. They are all important in their own rights. They, also, are all pretty dead-accurate.

And, for the more conservative-minded persons among you: No, I am not schizophrenic. Thank you for asking, fuckwad.

There are a handful of people in my life with whom this ‘connection’ is not so haphazardly or sporadically dealt out: It exists near-seamlessly with them, and most of those people I care for deeply and passionately.

This weekend, out of nowhere, and after four or five of the most amazing days I’ve had in a long while, I was overcome by a sense of desperation. I felt it both emotionally and physically –it was a crushing weight on my chest–, which is something I do with those that I love best. As the weekend waned, it mutated into a sense of intense and seamless grief; I was terribly dizzy all day yesterday and a good portion of today.

It was the same kind of rug-pulled-out-from-under-me grief I felt four years back when Catt died: A sense of How Do I Even Approach Doing This? painting itself in a wide swath across my innards.

Today I took a notion to call Melly: You remember Melly, yeah? She used to be over at ordinarymorning.net (now defunct), but packed it in and moved it over to LJ some time ago. I was listening to Morphine, and that is one of ‘our’ bands (The Cowboy Junkies, too…) so I dialed her number, which went straight to voicemail. Typically I’m all, “I MISS YOUR FACE. CALL ME, JACKASS.” Today though, I was overcome with sadness and nearly lost my shit leaving her a message, feeling awkward and feeble.

Let me just tell you, ‘awkward and feeble’ is not in our vocabulary, me and Melliloulou. ‘Drunk and disorderly’ maybe, or ‘loud and disheveled’ or ’spastic and unglued’ but never ‘awkward and feeble’. We’re talking about someone here who, when my digits were first mashed by her, I conversed with nonstop for like four hours, covering every topic under the sun. We instantly ‘got’ one another.

And, as a fellow insomniac drunkard, she was someone with whom I could share three ay emm safe and sound from my couch, far from misdeed or harm. I grew to love her quickly and fiercely, and if you remember the heyday of this place, you will recall the Mutual Retardation Society that was our banter.

Tonight –just under an hour ago– I logged into LJ to check out her antics, as she’s just moved and is settling into her newfound desert home. What I found snicked on a lightbulb in my consciousness, as I had been mostly unable place my feelings of the past four days.

Melissa’s mother died on Sunday. She flew back to Texas on Friday and by her own estimation, she knew her mom would be gone soon. And now she is and my friend is hurting and I’m soaking in all that hurt and I want desperately to be with her, to hold her close and rock her and stroke her hair. If she asks it of me, I’ll be on a plane before she can blink. I love her, and we’s boy-ayyyyys like that.

Wish her wells, and if you knew/know her, drop her a line. She may not respond any kind of soon, but she will read and I know her well enough to tell you: Human contact, human connection and concern, they comfort her. She will be grateful.

So will I.

4 worked it out »

  1. chris robinson 7.2.2008

    I don’t know, it sounds like a real gift to me. Most of us are too callous or self-absorbed to pick up on the pains and inner turmoil of others. If you are capable of that kind of empathy, then you must know real friendship (as opposed to the superficial realm of acquaintances and people who are merely conveniently close).

  2. Jettomatika 7.2.2008

    It happens with everyone, Chris; it’s just strongest with those that I know or love best. We can be half a world away from one another and I ‘just know things’.

    There are some people (less than a handful) in my life that, when I met them, there was a sort of Instant Recognition with. Like parts of us were placed in one another before we met, and when we made acquaintance something just sort of snicked into place. The stream flows most effortlessly from them.

    Then there are the one or two who sense me just as easily. They could probably stab my mother and I wouldn’t be able to ‘disconnect’ from them, the current is that strong.

    Sometimes it’s a very maddening and exhausting way to be, but I’d have to say that, overall, I’m mostly thankful and view it as a present.

    My mother and grandmother, they had/have it, too. They like(d) to pretend otherwise.

  3. trish 7.2.2008

    Wow, this is terrible news. I am so sorry, please pass along my condolences. You’re right, this past weekend was tragic in many ways, I felt that same sense of desperation but thought it was because I lost a friend and had another friend diagnosed with untreatable cancer. WTF is going on in the universe?

  4. Gypsy 7.3.2008

    I knew I wasn’t the only one to have this sort of thing happen, but it’s odd to read about it elsewhere.

    The weirdest time was when I worked with this girl who was just this side of nympho (or maybe she’d already crossed the border) and I was horny for MONTHS when I’m usually pretty relaxed in that area. Caught myself just before doing something terribly ill-advised.

    Best wishes for your bud.


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