A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || September 25, 2008 || 11:06 am

I’m lacking a chainsaw, a pressure washer, a nail gun and a compressor.

Were you able to eyeball me right now, you would see that I am very grinny indeed. This is because yesterday my spouse and I skipped church, went to Lowe’s for a couple of things and we came out with more than that.

There are things about me that are very Cliched Girl. My notorious shoe collection. My absolute compulsion to moisturize. But there are other things that are the complete antithesis of that.

Like last night, standing in front of a display of Black & Decker cordless tools. They were grouped nicely on an endcap, marked fifty to sixty percent off. They first caught Maxim’s eye, as that man possesses the uncanny ability to draw a bead on a clearance sticker at a hundred yards out. But as we stood there perusing, I began to glaze over and drool, because to me power tools are hardware porn; they make me hot, hot, hot and there is an unreasonable, sexed-up voice in my head hollering gotta HAVE me some of THAT and smacking its lips lecherously.

That Maxim, he touched a laser-guided, cordless circular saw, trying to make up his mind with his fingers. He touched it again. The hardwarepornperson in my head was quivering uncontrollably: His tension was unbearable.

I said to my man sweetly and generously, “Just buy it already! Look at that price! That price is teh nuts0rs!”

Let me explain something about the hippie: He takes his bloody time doing everything. Asking that boy to make a snap decision would be tantamount to asking him to take Mathias down to the nearest bluff in order to fling him off of there to certain death. Unless the decision involves sex. I can no more get the word “Sixty-” past my lips without him all “YUSSS PLEASSSE” and me thinking, “Wait, didn’t you just have pants on?” But I digress.

The hippie is methodical. Some view this as wisdom, and in my rare times of patience I agree with them. I am not the noble Greek philosopher in this relationship; I fully realize that I am the lesser of the two mortals here. I am the person in dire need of saving from self; I waaaaay get that. But I also way get that life is a place for adventure and risk and unexpected little surprises. Hey, I roll with the crazy bumps that life throws under my tires; I view it as my God-given right, then, to jerk the wheel every now and again to spice up the ride. To mash the accelerator a little harder, to pass the grannies even though the line is solid.

Sometimes you just gotta Do A Thing, even if the Thing is something so docile as buying a little bit of Black & Decker (plus battery) on a whim.

He touched the box again, my Maxim. Now, being a male, he probably didn’t know the ‘three touches and cosmically, it’s pretty much yours and you are obliged to buy it’ rule of shoppity bidness. Being a female, I absolutely have intimate knowledge of that very rule, so I shared it with him.

“You’ve already laid claim to it in the eyes of the Universe, Maxim. Just go on and buy it.”

Still he pondered. I think he might have made a little hmmm noise, but all the gurgling from Lecherous Power Tool Fellow in the depths of me was drowning out most everything else.

“This is ludicrous,” I said to Maxim, “I must be the only wife in all of Spousedom to have to talk her husband into purchasing power tools, the only female in all of the world to have to beg for a circular saw! Ohhhhh, the irony, the agony, the potential for blogging!” I said that, ‘the potential for blogging’, because I typically announce to Maxim when he will be a key player in the next entry. That gives him an out, see? He then gets to ‘forbid’ me to blog about something or –even better, because all my mental notes will pay off– ignore my reference to writing altogether.

“Quick,” he challenged me, “name three projects you can and will use this particular saw on.”

And I did, and he put the saw in the buggy, and I was excited, and he got lots of exuberant public face-kisses peppered with excitement and fawning affection. Then we wheeled around and I also got two-bys and brackets and (glorious, glorious) spray paint and some Liquid Nails for good measure. And the world was right and good, oh Cyberia, at least until we had paid and gotten through the huge sliding doors.

Shit.” I said to the hippie, halting at the sidewalk, “I have to go back in, I forgot something.”


“Those black kneepads we passed in the hardware section. I’m SO GOING TO NEED THEM TONIGHT, you delicious man.”

3 worked it out »

  1. churchpunkmom 9.25.2008

    ‘YUSSS PLEASSSE’.. lol

    i married one of those too. ;-)

  2. cIII 9.25.2008

    I’m going to the Hardware store To-fucking-Nite. That, or, I’m gonna run the Vacuum. Either way. Bow chicka-bow-wow.

  3. me 9.25.2008

    hehehe….hippy is going to be very happy tonight!


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