A Random Image

Jett Superior laid this on you on || October 7, 2008 || 9:50 am

[Guest poster Captain Dumbass has a five-year-old and a three-year old who dress up as Spiderman without needing a special occasion to do so. They're all, 'It's TUESDAY! Time to DRESS UP AS SPIDEY!' Coincidentally, I also have a son who dresses up as Spiderman. Only, he's sixteen and does it in special places like Lowe's paint aisle and the local high school football stadiums.]

Never trust a 5-year-old

So it’s way past bedtime on a school night and I’m perched on the side of the bathtub patiently waiting for my 5 year old to poo, which he assures me he HAS to do. As he sits there going off on a stream of consciousness soliloquy (and yes, a soliloquy is the act of talking to oneself, but he’d be talking whether I was there or not so I’m using it), I float off into my own world and wonder what the hell I’m going to write for my guest post on All Blogged Up. My first guest post ever. My first guest post ever and I can’t think of anything to write. No pressure.

I was a little surprised (shocked) when Jett twittered me the other night to ask if I’d like to write something. I twittered back asking if she’d sent the message to the right person. She replied back that she had. Excitement and terror ensued. Much like being in the delivery room for your first born, just without the screaming accusations. Aside from the fear of writing for somebody else’s followers, the fear of letting someone down who is putting a lot of trust in you, Jett intimidates the hell out of me. Maybe it’s just the boot and all that tartan? Maybe I’m just waiting for her to scream “too right, mate!” and head butt me.

So now I’ve wasted two paragraphs writing about nothing and still have nowhere to go. Wait, don’t go yet, I’ll come up with something.

Hey Connor (pooing 5 year old), what should I write about for Jett’s blog?

Jet planes?

No no no, her name is Jett… well, that’s not really her name, it’s… forget it. Are you done yet?

Not yet daddy. But I understand that “Jett” is merely her pen name, like your “Captain Dumbass.” It would be nice if you didn’t treat me like a five year old all the time.

But you are a five year old…

Did you want help with the blog or not?

Ok, shoot me some ideas then.

How about the election? Americans love to talk about politics.

True, but we don’t want to step on any toes here. It’s not our country and we don’t want to cause any backlash on Jett’s site.

What about some Sarah Palin jokes? Our province borders Alaska, we could tell them we’ve had diplomatic relations with her?

Heh heh, ya, that’s pretty good. We could tell them we can see her head from our front window.

Ha! Good one dad. Then again…

Ya, she might have some Republican viewers.

How about our upcoming election?

Um, I watched the VP debate instead of our own. If I thought the Canadian debate was too boring to watch I don’t think they’re going to be interested.

So daddy…

Yes, hon?

It’s like, what? Two days after this little story began? We’re not sitting in the bathroom having this conversation and Jett hasn’t had a post up in three days. You’ve turned this post into a bad episode of Seinfeld. If you’re going to keep dragging this imaginary conversation on, could you at least replace me with Liam (younger brother)?

Really. Well why don’t we imagine your ass upstairs for a little nap then, shall we?

It’s ten o’clock in the morning!

Well then, I IMAGINE I’ll get the TV all to myself for awhile, won’t I?


12 worked it out »

  1. Captain, you’ve outdone yourself with this imaginary conversation . I love it on so many levels, no the least of which is the condescending tone of your five-year-old child.

    Also? I wish that imagining kids into naps really worked. That would be a lifesaver.

    You rock at guest posting.

  2. cIII 10.7.2008

    Having company whilst Pooping makes Life a little sweeter.

    Well done Cap’n.

  3. Mama Dawg 10.7.2008

    My, my how your wee one has grown in the space of like 30 minutes. His vocabulary about equals mine or my cat’s.

  4. Krystal 10.7.2008

    LOL!!! Oh, can you come and baby sit my kids – maybe you can imagine them to be somewhere pleasant because my imagination tends to go to the negative like eternal time out! LOL

  5. Sherendipity 10.7.2008

    I’m totally inviting you over the next time I have to poop.

  6. This is the part where I usually run screaming and DO actually pansy out on Jett. But I think, nothing I say here will be remembered becuase, dude, you just totally talked about poo and “domestic relations” in the same post. It was beautiful, tragic and kind of strange. Much like my relationship with you. And if you are the Seinfeld of blogging then who would you be? Not Jerry. He’s the straight man, not funny. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’d never be in the bathroom with another person pooing. I have to say though, some of the poinant moments with my son have been while he’s on the crapper. Hiya, Jett! Nice to meet ya!

  7. Sprite's Keeper 10.7.2008

    Can your imagination conjure up a potty trained toddler for me since you seem to have no problem with imagining the correct uses of a potty besides dancing to the flush? Much obliged and strangely attracted to all this tartan…

  8. Jettomatika 10.7.2008

    Sherendipity: Thank you for a taste of old-skoo [Abuantg]. Comments like that used to totally be the norm here.


    jenbo: Welcome to Muffinassery. Your turn to buy beer, yo.

  9. Jettomatika 10.7.2008

    I saId ‘totally’ twice in one comment.

    More booze, please; let’s see if we can double that number. And maybe also my vision.

    Haha, I was kidding with that last sentence. A little.

  10. Captain Dumbass 10.7.2008

    Dearest Jett, thank you for taking my guest posting virginity. You were sweet and gentle and never laughed once. At least not where I could see you. It was awkward and embarrassing and over too quickly, but I will cherish it forever.

    Capt D.

  11. that girl 10.9.2008

    Captain Morgan, you rock.

    Why do all children have to shit riiiiggghhhtt after bedtime? It’s like their most valuable loophole and if they don’t use it’ they’ll lose it. Can’t we get together and write that one out? Let’s give them that extra cookie or something, who cares. Mommy would really like an uninterupted after bedtime shower!

  12. The Stiletto Mom 10.9.2008

    God, can’t a girl go anywhere in this town without running into you Capt Dumbass? :)

    Brilliant and gorgeous…no, I was talking about your son. Can he come guest post on my blog some day? I sorta dig his style.


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