A Random Image
 

Jett Superior laid this on you on || November 22, 2009 || 6:43 pm

no spoilers here!

Okay, so I acquiesced to Scout’s request that I take her to see New Moon (If you haven’t heard of it, there are these vampires who sparkle like they’ve been dipped into that fancy-pants glass glitter that is made in Germany of all places and there are these wolves in half-naked Native American clothing; then this puny clumsy human girl whose appeal I cannot fathom is being foughten over slash protected by both factions, both of whom she loves because everybody knows that humans are like the Switzerland of the supernatural world.). Mathias tagged along, as well as Tessa and her girlfriend, who would be Mathias’ girlfriend were she twenty years younger and also straight, because they are just crazy about one another.

Since

a) I always manage to sit directly in front of the family who is under the illusion that they are taking in a movie from the comfort of their couch and

b) this particular picture show had a fair amount of cheese,

Tess and I started =”Link for those undorked among you.” target=”_new”>MST3K-ing it pretty early in. Scout, even as she was laughing, was OMG BBQ WILL YOU GUYS SHUT IT ALREADY, TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS? We cracked wise for a teeny bit longer and then fell silent.

Until, that is, human protagonist Bella did one of her Official Swan Clumsythings and ended up bleeding from the head. Jacob, the crushy wolf (antagonist to Edward, Bella’s crushy vampire), raced to her side on his motorbike and proceeded to see about fair and fey Miss Swan. When she began apologizing for having the nerve and general tackiness to bleed from the head, Jacob tells her, ‘It’s no big deal’ and whips his tee-shirt over his head, revealing an extremely foxy and desirable torso.

The fact that at this moment the silent theater was vacuumed clean by the sudden collective female intake of breath had me teetering on the brink of tickled hysteria. It was, like, the most audible thing I’ve ever heard, y’all. I was good and held my laughter well in check until a split-second later, when Tess loudly exclaimed into the reverent lusty silence,

‘Yeah. NO. BIG. DEAAAAL.’

Then I barked into laughter, putting my head between my knees to muffle my braying somewhat. It took me a full minute to pull air back into my lungs, and thankfully the rest of the theater was laughing along by then.

Moral of the story: When my best friend says to people, ‘I’m not a lesbian, my girlfriend is,’ she ain’t lying.

::: :: ::: :: ::: :: :::

Upon surveying the Volturi atop their thrones, I nudged Tess, gesturing at the screen. ‘The stage directions for the one on the left? Sit there. Be sad. The one on the right? Sit there. Be prissy.’ It was at this point that Scout gave up scolding us entirely and laughed along. The power of humor is, it seems, greater than the power of any ole Twilight movie, selah and amen.

pee ess….somebody get that Jasper a new wig for the next movie, for reals. He looked like my grandmother after her standard Beauty Shop Friday.

pee pee ess….the soundtrack was sahhhweet, fully.

4 worked it out »

  1. Thanks to the magic of television, I’ve taken in the ending of New Moon – Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and that scene with the Volturi (oooh! Scary!!) 8 tribillion times since Thursday, and that feeling where I want to crouch in the corner of the shower and wash away the bad feelings has stuck with me each time.

    God help me, I’m going to end up renting this monstrosity for a buck when it comes out in the spring, and I hate myself for that.

     
  2. Jettomatika 11.22.2009

    You will, because there is lots of man-torso in it, and I don’t know if you are the rabid horndog that I am, but I would totally sit through yet another theater screening for that fact alone.

    Stupid glitter notwithstanding.

    Wolfpack torsos=Nothing to sneeze at

     
  3. Trout Towers 11.23.2009

    Still pretty sure I don’t want to see it. But that? Was an awesome synopsis.

    One time we made an hour loop of Daniel Day Lewis dashing through the woods, scantily clad, in Last of the Mohicans (for a friend, ahem). Maybe someone could do a similar editor’s cut of New Moon.

     
  4. Jettomatika 11.23.2009

    ….and I didn’t even get to the flat-out homoerotic bits, wherein Edward was made to be everybody’s bitch except for the mailman, Troutie!

    I dunno about everybody else, but I don’t like my vampires (here is where I tell you I pronounce it ‘wahmpires’ in my head every. last. time.) to be tops rather than bottoms.

     

RSS feed for comments on this post.

(you know you want to)