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Jett Superior laid this on you on || January 6, 2010 || 7:23 pm

an open letter to the jellyspines among us

(Hello, lovely Muffinasses. You may not realize this, but in ten years of doing this voyeurnalling thing I’ve really never had much of a problem on this here site from the class of people I like to call Cowardly Instigators. I have my theories on why this might be, but mostly I just don’t care.

In the past few days two things have happened that sparked the letter you are about to read below. Number one is the fact that a passionate debate broke out on Twitter and in a couple sets of comments over a blog post crafted by a fairly popular weblogger. Many people lent their voices to this debate –which centered around a very, very loaded subject– and they wrote in impassioned tones about what their take was on the issue at hand. A good percentage of them took stances that could be considered controversial to other Someones or Anyones involved in the debate, and most of those people were adult enough to attach their name/common internet identity and a means of contact to those stances.

The second thing is that my sweet buddy Troutie, whose writing is both sensitive and funny in turns, got her first ‘trolling‘ comment the other day. Now, the comment really wasn’t all that harsh by intertard standards. Seriously. It was even formatted properly and grammatically sound and everything. There was no cussing, no name-calling and it only consisted of one sentence. It was a trollish comment that wore white gloves and held its pinkies up like the prissy little thing it was.

Thing is, though, it bothered the shit out of my Troutie and winded her for about a minute; this was because it was her first comment of that nature. I imagine that she might have been disturbed, too, because she handled what she had written about (a marital row between another couple) with great decorous care, not naming names and not condemning while in the act of praising her husband and exhibiting a pride in their own union.

So she confessed her discomfort with this comment to some of her fellow voyeurnallers and then answered this commenter, who had just left the default ‘anonymous’ and no e-mail or site addresses in the sig lines of their comment.

It unnerves me to see my friends upset, but in this particular instance I was fresh off of the discussions I linked to above, and the fact that all these people had the courtesy to attach their names and means of contact to what may be construed as very loaded comments just underscored the shamefulness of Troutie’s lone, judgmental jackass. Oh, they were just someone who thought it was important to call Troutie to task, but not bold enough to identify who they were.

I say, loudly and aggressively and fist-shakingly, FUCK THAT SHIT.

So here is what I put in Troutie’s comments, because I am just so sick of the milquetoast pantywaist dipshits that are okay with putting a turd in the punchbowl and not being okay with having the turd handed right back to them in a pretty, lace-edged napkin if nobody gets, goes along with or appreciates the joke. I have edited it to remove some of the ‘So Here Is The Thing’s, because I went a little crazy with those in the first draft over at Trout Towers. Which you should be reading, like, all the dang time in your spare moments.

I like to think of this as a form letter for trolly internet dwellers. I normally don’t like people Stealing My Shit, because it took years of stewing this head in order to get some of the stuff that leaks out of it to do so, but in this case I heartily recommend that you take it, customize it slightly, and make a run for the end zone with it. If you make a millionzillion dollars with it and don’t buy me an ice cream truck or something, though, I’m gonna feel all cheated and butthurt and bitter and we all know that bitterness leads to craziness. I’m here to tell you that if you multiply the crazy I already have by the crazy that is possible in the aforementioned cheaty/butthurty/bitter scenario, something sheer turrble will be unleashed on the world. Save us all some trouble and cut me in on the millionzillion, OKAY?

Now then:)

Dear Anon,

I meant to put this on the last post, but I forgot because I am one of those Flaky Blog People you hear so much about.

You know what? I like dissent (preferably respectful dissent, because being rude in someone else’s space is just so gauche). I find that most typically wherever there is dissent there is some form of growth; that is to say, if you’re doing it right.

Plus, you know, I tend not to surround myself with yes-men. My network of friends and acquaintances is comprised mostly of compassionate, supportive people, but they are also of the ilk that will issue a hearty Whoa Nelly when I’m sailing too very far off of my orbit or being more of a dickface than I need to be in any given situation. This is true on the intardnets and in facespace, as well.

We all –even the most well-behaved of us– need saving from ourselves from time to time, that’s pretty much a given. The human condition thing, if you will.

Here’s the thing though, Anon: The people I bother listening to are the ones that have names (real or imagined) and a means for me to reach them and by which we can further the discourse in private should I so desire. I think when you strip away those things you strip away about ninety-seven percent of your credibility, as well. I mean seriously, who the fuck wants to take advice from a jellyspine? I’m not aware of any people that are that interested in failure, to tell you the truth.

My sincere and somewhat brilliant suggestion to you, oh Anon, is that you should pick a name. You should pick an e-mail address. You should make yourself available to back up your opinion/thoughts/lousy attempts at trolling. The only place in the world that a conversation should be one-sided is with yourself, really. Preferably in the shower and such. If something is so important that you have to put your two cents on it out there, you should have your hand out waiting for change should someone desire to grace you with it.

Otherwise? You should just take up a new hobby. A more productive one. Something like, say, sucking rocks. You might just get some mineral fortification out of it (some iron for that wily, hard-to-muster courage needed to leave a name and means of contact, perhaps! woo!) and the rocks will likely come away cleaner. I can assure you that you need minerals and the world needs clean rocks far worse than the interwebnetses needs one! damn! more! snide and shitty no-name comment.

All love all the fucking time,

Jett

8 worked it out »

  1. Adam P. Knave 1.6.2010

    I lurve you.

     
  2. trout 1.6.2010

    Every timid trout should have a jett so superior. Thank you.

     
  3. Jason 1.7.2010

    Wham and pow, my friend. Well said.

     
  4. TwoBusy 1.7.2010

    Damn straight.

     
  5. Bejewell 1.7.2010

    Your tweets from the other day suddenly make a whole lot more sense. I apparently missed the drama and assumed something else was going on.

    That said, please disregard any responses you may have received from me that offered zero insight into this particular issue. Chalk them up to the mad ravings from She Who Knows Not Of What She Speaks, and move on.

    THAT said, if I’m ever in a bar fight, I would like you on my side. Pleases and thankyous.

     
  6. Seaweed 1.8.2010

    I have no idea what went on as I am oblivious to twitter and not yet familiar with Trout (but will be in two minutes) but your retort was oh-so-Jett and oh-so-precious as usual. Amen, Godbless, and all that. Fuck the Coward Anons!

     
  7. Anonymous 1.9.2010

    Seaweed: Troutie has chickens and good taste in musicks.

    Beej: I LOVE BARROOM BRAWLS! And hugs. And also cookies. I didn’t think your responses were at all out of context.

    TB and Jason: FIGHT THE POWER.

    troutie: you are nice, the end

    Adampea: thank you, all love received. I’ll try to return it without too many smudges.

     
  8. Jettomatika 1.9.2010

    Damnit, in the most hilarious fit of irony I posted as Anonymous.

     

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