No Matter What « Alphabet Junkie

Jett Superior laid this on you on || July 19, 2012 || 4:06 am

My father has spent most of his adult life being a success.
Cancer is beating the shit out of him.
I feel terrible for him.
Lots of people might ask me,
“How could you spend and decade-and-a-half without someone
Who was supposed to love you, to be there for you

No Matter What

and then love him and tend him and fret in your heart over his pain
when he shows back up only to
promptly get sick?”
(It is indeed a long-winded and big-ass question)
My answer to them what would ask this is,
pretty much:

“Man. I don’t even know.
I do not know
and
I’ve come to realize that
I do not care

and

All I know is that this is in my heart, this thing,
a knowledge that says, concrete but sorta kind,
This is what You Are Supposed To Do.
Not just that, I guess.
There’s some sort of biological imperative
thing at play that won’t let me peel off
Or turn away
Or fall down and holler quits.
I guess I’m finding out, too

that

This is maybe just who I am.”
“Thank God, because seriously:
If you’d have asked me as early as ten months ago
to predict an outcome, well….
I’d have never put money on myself.”

::: :: ::: :: ::: :: :::

(you might want to hold your breath a little for this one, y’all)

tags: don't be jealous that my father has lung cancer, insomniapated, music for the muffinasses, the robinson chapbook

8 worked it out

8 worked it out »

MidLyfeMama 7.19.2012

You have to follow your heart. People will be incredulous, it’s OK. You do what you know you need to do. You are the only one who has to live with the consequences one way or the other.
Cherie Beyond 7.19.2012

I think, conscious or not, you had that moment where you had to decide. And deciding one way would add one kind of burden to your life and deciding the other would add another, neither better nor worse than the other, just different. And as you stood at the crossroads, conscious or not, you chose which weight you would add to your load.

We do this 100 times a day, it’s just that we aren’t always so aware of the addition because it doesn’t always weigh so much.

Peace.
twobusy 7.19.2012

The fact that you kinda sorta have to be tough and brave in the light of all this does nothing to diminish the fact – the very real, very tangible and important fact – of your toughness and bravery.

(also: what Cherie said about choosing the burden? that was damned smart.)
Summer 7.19.2012

It’s just what you do. I’m estranged from my biological mother and I went there when she was in the ICU; no one understood except my dad, who is also duty-bound by right/wrong in – I don’t know, a more logical sense, maybe? Than an emotional one? I mean to say that when thinking about what to do with my mother, I didn’t consider our history, because as her surviving relative, none of that was relevant to the immediate situation.
Holmes 7.23.2012

Whew. Damn. That is all.

No, take it back, it’s not. Ever since my own dad came back into my life via his death (long story) he somehow became a figure that I feel a weird tenderness towards, even though he never really did dick for me. So yes. I feel you.
the muskrat 7.23.2012

I think it’s admirable.
sarah piazza 8.7.2012

i don’t think you have any idea how absolutely i get this.

but i do.
Cheryl 8.11.2012

Ten months ago I’d have bet on you. Your belief systems wouldn’t allow you NOT to reach out to help. Without the capacity to forgive, what good is any faith, especially the kamikaze variety?

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