A Random Image
 

Jett Superior laid this on you on || February 3, 2014 || 3:47 pm

There is a pit deep in the chest of every addict.

While we are born with it –we honestly can’t help it, despite some jaded thoughts to the contrary– and don’t own the blame for that bit, we expand its depth and breadth with every pull off a bottle, with every push, pop or snort of something that checks us out of ourselves and into the quiet shade of oblivion, no matter how brief. That part we own. That part we grieve, because yes, we know we did that to ourselves. With our grief comes punishment.

Addicts are notorious self-punishers. We don’t need your help with that at all.

If you think for even one second that there is not immense guilt and shame for the alcoholic, for the junkie, for the spun-out and diseased and tired human being that seeks solace from an over-arching sense of awareness about the world, then you have bought into a very hurtful lie. Don’t look now, but carting around that lie (and worse, braying about it loudly) damages your credibility as a human.

It’s the same credibility that you brandish like a weapon when condemning the unrecovered, the seemingly unrepentant, the lost and disheveled mess of humanity that exists at times only to prop up a disease.

Yes, it absolutely is that dramatic. We tumble ass-over-teakettle, we get back up. We try not to tumble again. Some of us are better at balance than others. For some of us it’s not a matter of balance, but of leaning so far into recovery so as to create a hedge against stumbling in the first place. There are those of us whose arms are forever pinwheeling, whose habit it is to end up face-down and skinned up over and over again. If you are close enough to someone to be able to do so, watching the element of try in any of these situations is inspiring and terrifying and heartbreaking in turns.

It’s hard to convey with words, and even harder to experience. No, you don’t have to understand. What you do have to do is not make it worse.

If not making it worse means not remarking on things you don’t understand, then you need to fall silent until you do understand, are trying to understand, or your voice is called for. If you don’t understand and don’t want to understand, then at least be graceful enough to shut the fuck up.

Consider shutting the fuck up for this, if no other reason: You are taking a chunk out of someone in recovery every time you level snide remarks at and condemnation on someone who couldn’t get it half-assed together and keep it that way for any length of time. You can’t imagine the type of hypervigilance it takes to walk the line if you weren’t born with that pit in your chest. You simply can’t, no bones about it, and you don’t have a right to steal the dignity of someone’s sobriety.

The pit in my chest is big enough, thanks. As evidenced by my track record, I can furrow it deeper and wider (with great aplomb! verve! determination!) all on my own. I don’t need your kind of ‘help,’ judgmental jackasses of the world.

::: :: ::: :: ::: :: :::

Philip Seymour Hoffman

This man was one of the greatest talents of Generation X.
I sure am sorry he’s gone.

12 worked it out »

  1. Amanda 2.3.2014

    I’m here.
    Aching and raging and silent and numb.

    Every life is precious. Every single one.

     
  2. apryl 2.3.2014

    He has popped into my brain, at the most random of moments, all day. My heart breaks for him, his friends, and most of all his children. Certainly, had he control of this addiction, he wouldn’t have made the decision to leave such a mess behind for them. I grieve for everyone who climbs this mountain.

     
  3. FossilFishy 2.3.2014

    Oh yes, a thousand times yes.

    These compassionless fucks, so sure in their superiority, do not seem to understand the kind of ugly, heartless world they create.

    To sum up a person in any way is a mug’s game, there’s no geometry, no calculus that will balance all that a person is. It’s a rare individual indeed who can be contained in a single syllable, be it ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

    But these people, without qualm they go one step worse, never looking beyond their knee-jerk judgement. They presume to distill the vast complexity that is a human being down to the mistakes that that person has made.

    Fuck that.

    Fuck them.

    We are, all of us, vast, rich and strange in a way that brooks no easy judgement.

    To remember that is to make the world a better place.

    I will remember, always. And I thank you Jett for this spur to that resolve.

     
  4. Heather 2.3.2014

    OH YEAH, sister. OH YEAH.

     
  5. I understand the pit. And I don’t understand the people who don’t. I suppose it works both ways. Grace is needed all around. XO

     
  6. al 2.3.2014

    i don’t remember who turned me on to your blog, but i’m thinking it was kerry. i might be wrong.

    it’s off the topic of this particular post, but i just wanted to say your writing is brilliant.

    that would most definitely include the above.

    just sayin’.

     
  7. Cheryl 2.4.2014

    Thank you.

     
  8. Chibi Jeebs 2.4.2014

    “It’s hard to convey with words, and even harder to experience. No, you don’t have to understand. What you do have to do is not make it worse.

    If not making it worse means not remarking on things you don’t understand, then you need to fall silent until you do understand, are trying to understand, or your voice is called for. If you don’t understand and don’t want to understand, then at least be graceful enough to shut the fuck up.”

    YES.

    The pit? Scares the living hell out of me. I know it’s there: I can FEEL it. I’ve seen enough to be terrified of it, scared enough to not check out into oblivion no matter how briefly. But it’s there, and some days – more so than other, today being one of them – it’s so tempting to dive headlong into that fucking pit.

    xoxo

     
  9. You 2.5.2014

    I experienced addiction for the first time in my life last year. I only recognized that I was a puppet once I realized that I was addicted. Before this, I had zero empathy for the addicted. I get it now, if just in the least bit, I get it. This is not a disease though. It is more of a condition. This is a mental issue. It is a mental issue that ALL can fall too. Thus, it is something that we all must work on and we all can benefit from working on.

     
  10. Sarah Piazza 2.5.2014

    Tell it. (You do.)

     
  11. Maria 2.5.2014

    Yes, yes.

     
  12. Ellie 2.5.2014

    Well said.

     

RSS feed for comments on this post.

(you know you want to)