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Posts Tagged ‘an awesome waste of potential’

|| September 1, 2000 || 12:14 pm || Comments (0) ||

All week I have had some great ponderings to post on this here blog. I have.

All week I have been insanely busy and preoccupied with life in realtime and have not had the energy or spare moments to boot up and scribble on the webwall. Or maybe I have been avoiding it; out of nowhere I am experiencing a sort of spiritual exhaustion and all of my energies and time the past few days have been channelled (sp? fuck) toward getting as much done as possible in the 24 hours that I have been allotted per day. ~I am gassed up on only about 3.5 hours’ worth of snooze each night as of late.~

In the past few weeks I have watched and listened impotently as the following people weathered losses:

+Christie (mentioned in past post) buried her father after a recent sudden job loss and bore all the emotional and financial weight accompanying it
+Louise (nice, boisterous older lady from next door…pseudo gramma to our family) had a handsome late-40’s son who died a mere 2 weeks before his only grandchild was born
+My mom-in-law (ROCK ON, beautiful free spirit) saw two very good friends die in a car accident
+Donald and Vicki (two nicer, more genuine people could not be hand-picked from gazillions) buried their dad and may have to do the same with their brother.

*sigh* *SIGH* Perhaps this was a preparation for me; a ripening of my emotions so that they were ready to ooze thickly, cloying and sweet.So anyway, my mom calls me 2 days ago and tells me that one of my favorite aunts has cancer and her doctor in his infinite wisdom and sophisticated medicalese told her, “It looks really, really bad.” There you have it. Right there.

Now, I know (and I am hoping that you do as well) that docs normally do not leave room in the equation for the human spirit and its’ boundless power, so I usually say “BAH” and eschew the doomsday/naysayer’s point of view in cases like this. This is different. My aunt has had a series of things happen in the past 2 years that have seriously compromised her immunity and she may well die. ‘Die’ is such a succinct word, huh?

When mom told me, I was fairly non-reactive but now it has started to settle. I slipped today into reclusive cyberescape mode and was twiddling around when I clicked through to a site that I normally enjoy immensely. The author apparently has a friend afflicted with the dreaded BIG C and is doing her part to help. As I read along, outta nowhere the tears started to roll and here I am, typing and bawling and backspacing and fixing typos that my tear-induced blurry vision has prompted. Fuck.

All of this putrid softy behaviour is only culminating now; it started last night about 9 p.m. and I felt a need to phone my mom to talk. What’d we converse about?? You see, it boils down to this: I feel that this is a beginning. My parents each have several siblings (mom has 7 and dad has 6). While I feel that I am still way too young to be losing any of them, odds are that it will undoubtedly start happening soon. I, in my profound wisdom, deem this as ‘fucked up’.

As I explained it to my mother, without caring one iota how fucking selfish that it may have sounded, when my family starts dying off, I fear that I will start dying off as well. I was raised in a close-knit familial environment and I am grounded in that, no matter how the miles may separate me from them. A big part of me is defined within and by my family and when they start pushing daisies an important part of me will be gone. I expressed this huge, HUGE thing to my mother and she said, “Oh, my beautiful baby, you don’t have to worry…something else always moves in and takes that place.”

I don’t fucking want it to. I don’t. And don’t tell me I am being unreasonable, damn you. I have never feared death, ever, but now I am coming to the rather fierce revelation that I DO fear its’ aftermath. I have questions that only certain people can answer. Who do I turn to for wisdom and knowledge when they are gone? Not even 2 months ago I made the six-hour drive to visit my aunt and spend a few days with her. She has always been a creative person and we sat on the back patio for hours during that trip, sparking ideas off of each other and firing new ones based on the last one. She spoiled my children and we laughed together at their antics and she marveled at how much like my mother that I had become. We had grown-up conversation; something that I never would have imagined when I was 9 and running through her sprinklers in the yard or pleading for her to buy my favorite popsicles at the grocery. It’s now something that I look forward to with my own nieces and nephews…..

So I get off the phone and call my father. In preparation for that call, I tuck my sorrow and shakiness away neatly, so that he doesn’t think that my calling him is to pirate him emotionally. We just haven’t talked in so long and I want nothing to sully it. Something does anyway. He is himself.

As well-off as I would like to be (hell, merely financially stable would be GREAT), I realize that money doesn’t buy everything. Here is an open question to him that he will never see: When are you gonna wise up, old man? Is it gonna be before or after I am as unavailable to you??? You see, I have wants, but I truly want for nothing. I wish you understood just what you were/are passing up.

And by the way, I have standards of my OWN and in a pure sense they are FAR SUPERIOR to YOURS.

|| August 24, 2000 || 11:32 pm || Comments (0) ||

Okay, I admit it; I BACKSLID. I consumed a raspberry Zinger.

Dolly Madison, you are a DIRTY BITCH. Maybe I should sue you a la “Tobacco Lawsuit”style….

I could hold you accountable for some unseen illness I may be stricken with in the future because you put nasty things like excess:

  • sugar
  • fat grams
  • carbohydrates
  • red dye
    in those itty-bitty cakes. Why, if I have a carbohydrate sensitivity, you are akin to nicely-packaged drug dealers, preying on my junkie-like state when a craving comes down the pike. SHAME ON YA.
    || August 17, 2000 || 5:09 pm || Comments (0) ||

    Second webring….can’t get the farging logo to display properly….shite!


    Now that I have gotten offa my cyberass and have dipped my toes squeamishly into the pool of HTML I feel compelled to re-assemble the whole eye-offending, browser-finicky (?? I am just assuming here…no one has mailed or messaged me to the contrary….I have tried it on other machines and in other formats and find no glaring probs) layout of my site. It looks very trailer-trashy.


    I suppose that I will do so, but not before I finish the whole “Just register your own domain, we’ll host you, shut up!” conversation that Eric and I started. BTW, Eric, thank you for the ‘l33t counsel at three a.m.; on second thought, screw ya, you had nothing better to do at work.

    Thanks as well to Caffeine (Mister Cloak and Dagger) and Dirk (*blush*) for patiently answering my techno’tard questions. You guys are the FIRE and I’ll arrange for some oral at a yet-undetermined time and location in the future.

    I mean it. No, really. Really.

    || August 10, 2000 || 11:28 pm || Comments (0) ||

    Wanna be in my gang?

    We could all sit around practicing scarification with our switchpops while contemplating the dirty rat bastards that threaten our existence. We could sing the blues with painted tounges.

    Then someday, oh someday, we’d feed our enemies scorpions and come away counting the money and laughing.

    Pfft…and those big-ass suckers thought we were full of baloney. We ate ‘em for lunch.

    || August 9, 2000 || 11:28 pm || Comments (0) ||

    I just got back from Curio Emporium. If you are jealous, you DAMN WELL should be.

    Sheesh, I feel strangely giddy and refreshed.

    ***Oh yeah, I got accepted to my first webring as well…been a banner day all ’round, my fellow campers!

    || August 1, 2000 || 3:41 pm || Comments (0) ||

    Read a rather lengthy article on refractory cognizance today.

    I did not. I am such a liar!

    Today was one of those docile non-days that kind of leisurely run their course. It started out all yucky; the gym was closed due to your basic death in the family, so I was left without the grandiose energy that a quick morning workout gives. Thankfully, Ye Enamoured Toddler was more than agreeable today and not so much like taming a wild hurricane. You know–the usual.

    Got word via third party that Daddy-O is returning to the states soon….don’t really know what to make of that. I’m pretty convinced that it won’t alter my life much. Doubt he’ll be involved on any greater level than he is now. It’s a reasonable trade-off. It’ll mean still not being subject to his stringent standards and sideways glances at what he deems to be an awesome waste of potential.

    Can you say “HOORAY FOR elizAbeth!!!”, boys and grills?