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Posts Tagged ‘monkey flailing’

|| October 19, 2000 || 3:51 pm || Comments (0) ||

I just had that fucking hairbrush…where did it go? My hairbrush has been trying to defect as of late. It has been very, very unruly, traipsing all over the house and lying in totally unexpected and unwelcome and unpredictable and unlocatable places. A sort of hide-and-go-seek, if you will.

I have GOT to get a more timid hairbrush, one that stays where it is told and thrives on being at my beck and call. Damnit.

|| October 19, 2000 || 12:03 pm || Comments (0) ||

For those of you that are not aware of it, I am now informing you of our impending relocation. We’ve found a lovely old large-as-we-
need-and-desire home to while away some days in.

As I previously mentioned, this house is old and required some remodeling (the people who owned the place before had somewhat atrocious taste in the whole color scheme department and we are rectifying this foot by tedious foot), which we have been doing for the past couple of weeks. Ourselves. Perhaps you know the pain and suffering that this entails. Right about now we are down to bare bones and are hustling like hell to complete all required tasks before the 30th. That is our scheduled move date.

I am sufficiently nutso right now. Stay outta my way.

In case you are in a quandary as to what to send as a housewarming gift, I have taken the liberty of perusing red envelope’s latest offerings and have compiled a list to make it much easier for you. Viola! Quandary diminished.

The wish list is as follows:

  • dean & deluca spice rack The spice rack of my DREAMS!! I swear I saw it in a vision one time…
  • bee bath oils + honey bowl Just the nifitiest little bath thingy I have seen in a long time…and honey baths are SUPREME.
  • sultan’s hanging lantern For the den.
  • scented seaglass For the master bath, which is done in horrid aqua tile. I, being the master decorator that I am, am gonna go retro with this one rather than rip it all out and start fresh. Chrome everywhere, for everyone! Screw you, IKEA!
  • riedel tasting glasses Quite beautiful and useful for my daddy’s plum wine.
  • climbing tendril Solves the ugly wine rack and not-too-much counter space dilemmas all in one.
  • calla lily bouquet My favorite flower, by far. Lovely on the sitting room mantel.
  • leonida roses Don’t usually care too much for roses, but these are gorgeous and I can’t help myself.
  • crate of mini seckel pears Mmmmm, nummy!
  • moon lantern Perfect for my office/workshop.
  • silver leaf photo album Lotsa kids, lotsa pictures. Love this album.
  • phalaenopsis orchid Sparse and not too needy, like a good plant should be.
  • shot glass chess set For entertaining all those drunken Russians that we are constantly having over. Makes for a creative nookie session as well.Shop away, my lovelies. My gratitude will be expressed with a gathering in my new abode as soon as the last of the wall art is hung. Beer and sausages will be provided, but you have to bring along your own piece of ass for post-festivity fun.

    If you are low on dough or simply a cheap fuck, fetch me something from ABC. I can work with just about anything. Just call me MacGuyver Stewart. All the skills of Martha, but less haughty/off-putting, way cooler and on steroids.

    || September 11, 2000 || 9:25 am || Comments (0) ||

    Blah, blah, blog.
    (a tiny little ditty inspired by blogger)

    Blah, blah Blogger,
    A wonderful publishing tool…
    I can be prosaic
    Even though I have no clue.
    You help me get it done faster,
    I praise your good name;
    One of my most valued cyber-toys
    ‘Cause my ‘puter skillz are lame.

    All mad props to the inimitable Mutha Goose.

    || September 7, 2000 || 10:35 am || Comments (0) ||

    It is now official. I am a certified MASTERMIND.

    See my profile for yourself if you don’t believe me:

    (Submissive Introvert Abstract Thinker )
    Like just 9% of the population you are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this “scheming.” Don’t learn German.

    Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader–you’ve definitely got the “vision” thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.

    Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Montgomery Burns.

    Can’t dispute the facts, baby. And you gits can forget the whole “learn to be a little more personable” thing. FUCK that. If I were a little more personable, I would have to make an effort to find redeeming qualities among the greater population.

    I just can’t bend the pitch of my standards enough. And I am NOT SORRY.


    Wonder if they paid part of it in Twinkies? I mean, no disrespect to the injured party, but sheesh, if they paid it in dough*-re-mi, I am eating the cost (pun most assuredly intended) with my Hostess Cake purchases.

    *Geddit?? Dough…..bakery?? I KILL ME!!

    || August 19, 2000 || 10:41 am || Comments (0) ||

    As I was swigging expectorant directly from the bottle this morning, I heard a snicker behind me.

    Me: “What??”
    Him: “Your crackerjack approach to personal health just KILLS me.”

    Like I don’t know what 2 teaspoons feels like in my mouth. Why the fuck should I dirty a spoon unnecessarily? HMPH.

    || August 17, 2000 || 5:09 pm || Comments (0) ||

    Second webring….can’t get the farging logo to display properly….shite!